Escape Artist

2011-07-24T22:50:00.001-07:00

Dearest baby Jesus, thank you! Keep working your magic. I'm loving it!!

Sun and Moon- aka the best/worst trance song ever written

2011-07-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

We were in heaven you and I
When I lay with you and close my eyes
Our fingers touch the sky

I’m sorry baby
You were the sun and moon to me
I’ll never get over you, you’ll never get over me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ll5ykbAumD4

2011-07-07T22:47:00.001-07:00

Dearest baby Jesus: this would be the perfectest opportunity to show me that I am in the right place at the right time. Wink wink ;)

2011-06-03T08:50:00.001-07:00

Oh how i love you little brain- trying to compensate for what I can't have in real life with technicolor, surround sound, 3D dreams... No but seriously don't help me.

2011-06-01T21:12:00.001-07:00

I wish I wasn't this strong. Or rather that I didn't pretend or try to be strong. I wish I could let myself ask for help when I need it, admit need when I have it. It's like I'm constantly trying to prove myself. Prove to others. That I can deal with things, that I don't need anything or anyone. The only consolation I have is that in this particular situation it's truly for the best. I do need you, but I would be shooting myself in the foot.

2011-05-23T20:00:00.001-07:00

I wish I could go on a roadtrip at the end of summer. All the way up the pacific coast to Washington. Two or three weeks. Just exploring, beaching, adventures, settling down for the night wherever. Sounds like a great plan. I need a copilot!

2011-05-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

I was just taking a look at this sorry excuse for a blog. (Emotional trashcan would probably be a better description.)
I am very impressed that I have been keeping my goals (that I set myself at the end of March).

1. I have been going to the gym often. (About 4 or 5 times a week... although it was a little less often a few weeks ago) I better start seeing some results soon!

2. I got my jaw click checked out- and guess what? It's not curable. Haha... It's gotten better though. Just gotta be careful when I eat crunchy things... and somehow stop grinding my teeth at night. Somehow.

3. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled out on Friday! Chipmunk mode: ON!

4. Might have to postpone DJ lessons- due to financial hardships lol.

5. Might apply to grad programs that do not require GREs. Heehee.

Things have been great... nothing new. Life is a little boring.
No excitement, no butterflies, no adrenaline.

I guess that's why I abandon you, little blog. Because my life is super boring.
I shall come back when I have something productive/interesting to share.
Adieu!

2011-04-21T21:50:00.001-07:00

Where are you?

Today I hate you

2011-04-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate you so so much.
You took away my safe place, my comfort.
When I feel lost and alone I still reach for you.
When the world turns its back on me and when things at home fall apart I want to run into your arms.
and you have NO idea how much I hate you for that.

ANXIETY

2011-04-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

Things that Maria is worried about:

1.I'm worried about my parents fighting (they woke me up fighting- thanks a lot)
2.I'm worried about the upcoming elections in Peru (And the fact that the leading candidate is a leftist, messianic, Marxist, socialist/communist, Chavez-loving devil. God save my country.)
3.I'm worried about my health. (Sometimes these hormone changes are too much for me to handle.)
4.I'm scared... always scared, of everything.
5.I'm worried about the world. My BBC dashboard is just so depressing today.
6.I'm worried about my new car getting crashed/scratched/dented. (I failed the driver's license test MISERABLY. But my sis got her license, so she has been driving me around in my new car.)
7.I'm worried I'm never going to be able to control my nerves well enough to pass that damn test.
8.I'm worried about my emotional well-being, and the fact that little reminders set me off and take me back to dark times instantly.

And finally,
9. I hate these hormones for making me feel so helpless against all my fears and worries.

Within the next year

2011-03-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

This is a list of goals, things I have to take care of.
I am two days away from being a licensed driver. I have found a beautiful little car I'm going to buy that same day. And one of my most sought-after goals will be reached!

With the car out of the way, the following are goals I have for the next year:

1. GYM (with the transportational aid of my new carrito)
2. Get my jaw click checked out
3. Get wisdom teeth removed
4. Take my DJ lessons at DJ scratch academy! :D
5. Take the GRE (so I can apply for grad school at the end of this year/beginning of next yr)

I think that's good for now... those are the most pending goals.
I need to keep up the good work and do something about it!!!
I'm on a roll!

Frisson

2011-03-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

Did we know each other in a past life?

Does a hidden place within me recognize a hidden place within you?

Am I extra sensitive to the type of energy you radiate?

Am I tuned into your frequency?

I don't like you, want you, want to date you, want to be your friend, none of the above. I do think you're ridiculously attractive- for some unknown and mysterious reason.

All I know is, that whenever I'm in your vicinity I can't help but feel like a little girl with a crush.

And i hate that feeling. I mean- I'm almost 24!
Something's going on... life knows something she's not telling me.

I dodged a bullet-- but stepped on a landmine

2011-03-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Two very important epiphanies came to life this week.
I guess not being ruled by hormones (for those precious two weeks each month) means a clear head, and the ability to reason and have completely rational reactions to life's many curve balls.
Allow me a few minutes of passive-aggressiveness, if you please;

1. Dodging a bullet
It's been about three weeks since you stopped talking to me, and despite the fact that we weren't bestest friends or anything, I have noticed your absence more than I'd care to admit.
I also realize that I didn't make an effort at all- and why should I? You promised me you wouldn't abandon me again!
I do recognize that I probably dodged one heck of a bullet. Not only because of the possibility of an emotional bond --that I really do not want right now--, but because to be honest, you have a LOT of issues to sort through yourself. Your views about faith, love, relationships, women, your own self-image.
Not to mention your douchy tendencies to completely ignore someone when they don't give you what you want or fail to remain in your pedestal.
So I have a few parting words for you, not that you'll ever read them.
Thank you for the huge support you were --at a time when I really needed it--, for the talks and reassurances, for the hugs, the self-esteem boosts, the smiles and the fun we had together.
Also good luck to you, I hope one day you decide to let me know what the fuck happened.

2. Stepping on a landmine
Rebuilding after a conflict can seem daunting, but not impossible.
Life goes on, time heals all wounds, *insert cliche here*
And just when you think you're making some real progress, leaving the trauma and the sadness behind...
BAM!
-landmine-
What did you think was going to happen?
Did you think I was going to reply with a- "I love you too, let's be together forever!"
Did you think I was going to run towards you in slow motion with open arms?
I hope for your sake that you weren't expecting anything from contacting me, and that you did it out of your own need to reach out, for your own sanity.
Your words are pretty, sure, what girl wouldn't want to hear that so much time after you still feel so strongly, but you're missing the entire point:
It does not matter how you feel.
Heck- it doesn't matter how -I- feel.
Whatever feelings might be housed in my heart of hearts are completely irrelevant to the situation.
The fact is, you behave a certain way, and your actions have consequences.
You behaved a certain way, and your actions have consequences!
Learn!
As for me- I must admit that emotionally speaking, this landmine set me back a bit... but I can see the whole picture clearly.
And I'm standing my ground- sorry.

I'm bringing this back: Dreams 2.0

2011-03-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

This was me 3 years ago- is it any wonder???

---------------------------------------------------

I miss how you would share your dreams with me...
(dreams of the future?)
Epic dreams of comfort and tribulations and obstacles and happily ever afters.
the stuff of my own dreams... my childhood illusions, my romanticized ideas of life and love and friendship, shining through you eyes... spun by your words into tales of beauty.
I would listen and daydream, imagining every kiss, every word of devotion, every promise we made in your fantasy dream world... hoping real life might hold some of that same enchantment... someday.
through your words i enacted the most far-fetched scenarios...
the stuff of fiction books, a ball, a walk in the beach, love declarations on moonlit hilltops, two strangers meeting, a princess and a pauper, friends, siblings, lovers, soulmates, one.
Dreams in which at the end of the day it was just me and you... coming home to each other, sharing everything with each other, overcoming every obstacle with the power of young love.
And always latent...
The magical realism of knowing that every single feeling evoked by those fantasy scenes was the same as everything you made me feel in flesh and blood.
Content, cherished, cared for, complete, accepted, overjoyed, enlightened, loved.
Loved...
I recall those wispy dreams with nothing but smiles...
a time of my life when your dreams were mine, when your hopes were mine, when your tears and smiles were mine.
When you were mine.
And the same as a dream, I awoke to a new reality.
But regrets were never my thing.
Your dreams enriched me from the inside... made me into someone stronger... someone who now dreams on her own.
And my dreams...
:) And my dreams are just fine with me as protagonist and supporting actress and villain and extra.
My dreams are just mine now... for now.

We are accidents waiting to happen

2011-03-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

Today was the worst day EVER! EVER EVER EVER!
I feel like, by default, the level of happiness to be reached today is ridiculously low compared to a normal day. I honestly don't know what would make today better, don't even know if something could.

Things that sucked today, March the 11th of 2011

1. The Japan quake.
8.9... does that tell you enough?
Death, destruction, pain... and a few flashbacks from my own earthquake experience.
Ugh... welcome back phobia and paranoia, can't say I missed either of you at all.

2. Realizing this world is so dangerous to women.
Even in America, women's rights are SO backwards. It really hit me yesterday, when I read that NYT story about the 11 yr old that got gang-raped by 18 older boys and men. As well as the USC Kappa Sig Frat email that describes their fuck lists detail by misogynistic detail. The world is still not safe for women. :( and that makes me so terribly sad.

3. My foot.
Which is still green and purple :( And it hurts, and it's just such a sad sad sight.

4. THEM
I still miss them. Assholes. One infinitely more than the other.

5. My poor fitness habits.
I haven't been able to work out in a while. See #3.

6. Being close yet so far away.
I'm about to reach one of my deadlines- my goals. But it's not close enough to touch- yet not far enough to stop thinking about it.
By March 30th, I will be a licensed driver, and hopefully a day after I will be the proud owner of a sexy car.

Hopefully Picantita, pictures of cute animals and copious amounts of chocolate will begin to take care of the problem. Otherwise I will just knock out early like I have been doing these past few days and call it a day.

Passive Aggressive Rant Time 2

2011-03-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

P.A.R.T. 2 is once again here, *crowd cheers with abandon*
Settle down children, hopefully none of you get offended this time.

Things have made me incredibly pissed off this past week... it's ridiculous.
I actually reached the pinnacle of pissed while on my trip to Vegas this past weekend. I had never been that angry before, it was like I was turning into the Hulk and the scariest part was that i couldn't control it! I was soooooooOOOOooooOOOOooo angry.
My anger dissipated into this fog of utter sadness today. A couple of people got a few smiles out of me- but it was hard work.

List of things that pissed Maria off this week:

1. Missing him.
Ugh. It wasn't even my choice, and I didn't even do anything wrong! Just got dropped like yesterday's news, just like that. No explanation, no excuses, no nothing. I guess if I really think about it I should be grateful I dodged a bullet, but you get close to someone, then when it goes to hell you still kinda miss them, you know?

2. Missing HIM.
Not all the time, mind you, I have my moments. And whenever they come I am always filled with a modicum of self-loathing due to my weakness. I guess after investing so much (time, energy, myself, etc) it is only natural that I miss him. It's comparable to coming out of a car crash alive. I'm super happy to be out of the crash and happy to be alive, and I don't doubt that the next model of car will be magnificent and better-suited to my style of driving, not to mention that it will be a sexy luxury sex symbol of a car, but I kinda do miss the old comfy familiar car even if it broke the fuck down all the time, even if it didn't run right, and it left me stranded in the middle of a dark, desolate freeway. And after the car crash I keep finding new bruises on myself. How long until they all fade?? Speaking of bruises...

3. Drunken people in heels who STEP ON YOU while "dancing".
Pretty self explanatory. Thanks to that ugly drunk skank with the bad perm and her cheap ass heel at TAO (that awful piece of shit of a club), 50% of my right foot is covered in a colorful bruise (not to mention the lovely round heel imprint and the broken skin). It hurts soooo much and I've been limping since that night. I hope karma exists and someone steps on her too, while doing some of her white girl "dancing". Bitch.

4. When things don't go my way.
The weekend kind of sort of blew. I just had all these expectations. I consider Vegas this great escape. As the title of this blog might suggest to you, escapism is something very alluring to me, I need to have escape routes, and Vegas is my second happy place. (To have a non-happy weekend at my happy place was SO not cool.)

5. Vegas promoters.
Fuck the whole lot of them. Bunch of douchy assholes. Not only did they give me heat for having ONE guy in the group, but even after we had decided to go ahead and make line and pay cover, that DOUCHE calls me and says, go to TAO, we'll comp you and get you free open bar and then walk you into XS. I was like, shit, why not, this guy is pretty reliable, never let me down before. WRONG! Motherfucker left us stranded at TAO. Where I "danced" to hip hop (BARF!) all fucking night long in a venue filled twice over past its capacity, until drunkenoldskank stepped all over my beautiful little foot. What a miserable ass night. Everyone else had a blast, of course, since I'm always the only sober one in the bunch. -__-

6. That stupid wolf slot machine.
For taking my 20 dollars and not giving me shit in return. Piece of crap.

7. Boys that don't know when to quit.
Yeah, you don't know when to quit, boy. I told you once, I think you're cute, your french accent is adorable, you're funny and cool and all, and i wasn't opposed to a kiss or two but I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I don't want to date you, go out with you, become your girlfriend, hook up with you, sleep with you, none of the above. You can come see me, have lunch with me, hang out with me, etc... but please stop trying!!!!

8. My hormones.
They were absolutely out of control this weekend. Out of control. I had never felt so angry, or so sad, and I have certainly have not wanted to cry as much, as often or for such unnecessary things as I did this weekend. Give me a fucking break, hormones, as if life wasn't difficult enough already. I mean I almost broke down in my boss' office when he asked me to please be more careful and not miss another RFF. Seriously? can't even take the gentlest disagreement or criticism. And finally, my hormones piss me off because they completely magnify every single negative emotion I mentioned above. It sucks.

End of P.A.R.T 2.

Slowly we unfurl

2011-03-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

I wonder what it would be like if I could express my feelings, my inner being, into song.
And I wonder what my own lotus flower video would look like.

In other news,
I passed my DMV written test! :)
Which means that after more practice, I can take my driving test.
And after that- I can buy my car!
And experience a whole other definition of freedom.
I don't think I've gotten into the reasons why I think it's taken me this long to pass the test.
I won't bore you with psychoanalysis. In a nutshell it has to do with insecurities, dependency and childhood traumas. Joy.

I also got some blood work done.
Hopefully they discover something important yet curable that can make me feel like I can take control of things.

---------------------------------------
I've been passing out so early these days.
And I kind of wanted to know...

How much time until I can go to bed without this song in my ~~heart~~ head?

2011-03-01T23:15:00.001-08:00

It's in these moments between sleep and awake that I lose grasp of my control and admit to myself that I'm not ok. In these moments I am unable to lie to myself and conjure up memories that feed my delusions- exacerbate my withdrawals. I hope you have as much of a hard time finding peace as I do.

Deadlines

2011-02-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

I want to go back to what I was- sorta.
Fresh-faced, full of dreams and illusions.
Some of them came true... some of them turned into nightmares.

It's well known that I work better under pressure...
so I believe that if I set deadlines for myself, I will be able to actually achieve something.

LIST OF DEADLINES- AND REASONS FOR THEM:

1. I cannot date anyone again until I get my car.
I know that it should have been obvious since the beginning, but I've managed to find ways. Either way, no more. Unless I meet some guy that just blows me away. In which case, who am I to interfere with fate- car or not? But yeah, no more dating. Next time I get asked out (it's happening alarmingly often this year) I will politely decline, and explain that I'm going through a no-dating period.

2. Win the bet by July 4th.
Which bet, you may ask... My friend Mana and I decided to make a bet- a sort of win-win bet to help us achieve our weight loss goals. I want to get back to my freshman year of college jean size (for pure self-esteem and confidence issues) and she would like to go down a couple of sizes as well. If I lose, i cannot go dancing (clubbing/salsa/parties/vegas/raves/dance concerts/NOTHING) for 3 months. THREE WHOLE MONTHS OF NO DANCING!!!! The notion is so ridiculous- so inconceivable, that I will do my best to win that damn bet. (By the way, this weekend... and the way I ate-- SO NOT THE WAY TO WIN THIS BET, but c'est la vie) I will begin again tomorrow- with some healthy breakfast/lunch food courtesy of CMK sunday cook-a-thons. And some interspersed gymming here and there. (especially gearing up to VEGAS this coming weekend for Conijandra's 21st bday!)

I believe those are the only two deadlines I have at the moment (at least things that are within my control. If I think of something else- I will come back and do a repeat post.

Is someone sees me with food in my hand/desk/in front of me, please slap it out of my reach.
Thank you.
Also- where's a good case of food poisoning when you need it?!
JK...

Passive Aggressive Rant Time

2011-02-23T11:48:00.000-08:00

I am only resorting to P.A.R.T. because I feel some sort of sickness coming on.
I've been so overwhelmed and underwhelmed and just whelmed. I need to unload a bit, because if I don't, I will end up with the mother of all colds, which will consequently ruin my weekend in Vegas next weekend. (Not that mother nature won't single-handedly take care of that already).
So instead of calling you up, texting you, meeting you and telling you ALL the negative things I feel for you/think about you, I am going to plaster them all over this passive-aggressive little post.

Things that piss Maria off at the moment:

1. The list.
- Before the list was lower than I wanted, now that the list has increased by one since I accomplished my mission (which was wayyy overdue), I find it to be the right number... which means that further numbers should not be acquired. I hate this standard I have placed on myself. Why the fuck am I counting anyways?

2. My Catholic upbringing.
-So what if I enjoy occasionally getting molested at clubs (with standards). Big deal. Does that make me any less of a feminist? Any less of a person? Well I hate to say this, but I don't care if you think less of me. I don't. I really needed that, for purely personal reasons.

3. Boys who have no balls.
-You have absolutely no balls. You are not a man. I cannot fucking believe that after all this time, all that is due to me for putting up with your bullshit for 5 fucking years, you never had the balls to confront me and cry like a little bitch in front of me instead of my mother. I cannot fucking believe that you torment yourself with pictures and dreams and memories of our time together and suffer alone and denied me my fucking chance at closure. Every single tear you cry is mirrored by one of mine, and you deserve every single one of them. (Wow I'm a bitch. Tough.)

4. Boys who play games.
-What the fuck was that about? After all this time, all these hours spent listening to you rant and talk about all the girls that you're interested in/ that like you/ that you wanna go after, you have the balls to react negatively the one time (the ONE time!) that things don't "go your way". I'm tempted to believe C. Was it really because you secretly like me? (You've shown no signs of that in the many opportunities you've had) or was it because everyone else was having fun except you? (In that case, wow, you're one selfish asshole.) Either way. Stop playing games, grow some balls, get laid, i don't know. Leave the games in high school, or college, this is life now, grow up.

5. Boys who lie.
-I will refrain from referring to the liar of all liars and instead focus on the latest liars. Why do you lie when you meet a girl? If you're not 5'10, trust me, we're going to notice right away when you're standing right fucking next to us. If you're not this and that, why the fuck would you claim to be in the first place? Only to come out with the truth the next day and be like, oh by the way, i embellished on what I said last night, I really meant to say that I am ___ and not ___. That I go to school here and not there, that I do this and not that for a living. That I live here and not there. Be honest! For the love of life. being honest is such a turn on, but you assholes haven't figured that out yet.

6. Committment.
-Who would have thought that good little Maco would be completely against committment. I blamed that jerk for not being committed enough, and I secretly judge people who fear committment. But guess what? I guess all his douchebaggery paid off, as I am repulsed by the thought of being in a committed relationship. Is it that it's too soon? Or maybe it is the fact that I have lost faith in the entire male population and am not attracted to girls.

7. Boys who pressure you for committment.
-I wanted to date an older man, and ta-da! I got two. But what they fail to tell you before you make such terrible mistake is that these older assholes are tired of partying, meeting people, dating, and fooling around. They want "something serious" ASAP. Well guess what assholes, I'm 23. I still want to party/meet people/date/fool around. Furthermore, what ever happen to SLOW PROGRESSION?! Are you really that desperate for a girlfriend? Or do you really just want to get into my pants as fast as humanly possible? Either way, please stop getting clingy after a couple of dates. Conclusion: stop acting like needy girls.

I believe that has relieved a great deal of tension already.
Join us again for the next installment of Passive Agressive Rant Time and discover what pisses me off next week.

2011-01-17T23:38:00.001-08:00

You never know what you have until you have lost it... And then you find out you never had it at all.

Ma journee

2011-01-11T21:39:00.000-08:00

7h- éveil
8h-métro
9h-boulot
13h-déjeuner
18h-métro
19h-diner
20h-lecture
22h- rêve, pense, manque...
23h-dodo

Soupire

2010-12-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

Avec mes yeux fermés je peux te voir dedans.

You left a bad taste in my mouth- my sour patch kid

2010-12-14T12:08:00.000-08:00

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one

- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Ma nouvelle raison d'etre.

5 House/Trance songs that make you wanna dance and slit your wrists at the same time

2010-12-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

It is my personal belief that people who have depressive or melancholy tendencies should grab all their Jack Johnson, Norah Jones and Fiona Apple CDs and chuck them into the trashcan; erase all media from their iPhones and iPods and laptops and convert into the beautiful religion that is House Music.

Why? Because it's HAPPY!
Have you ever seen anyone at a rave or house music club crying uncontrollably while swaying to the music? NO!

But not all house music is created equal. There IS such a thing as sad house/trance, and while the lyrics may sometimes border on depressive, the beat will always keep you going. That urge to tap your feet or move your hips will always keep you a hairsbreadth away from a mental or emotional breakdown.

I personally listen to house/trance/progressive at all times during the day. Even during my sad times, the dancing urge keeps my tightly-bottled emotions from tipping over into the abyss of despair.

I have compiled a list of the most lyrically depressive yet upbeat house/trance songs in my ipod, and I'm going to prove to you that being heartbroken/depressed with house music is not the same as being heartbroken/depressed while listening to Alicia Keys' words of pain while the soft piano melody pushes you closer and closer to that freeway overpass at rush hour.

NUMBER 1: The obvious choice: Above and Beyond- Can't Sleep.

"If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
there's nothing left of us to long for anymore
but inside the ashes burns an endless fire
and every night i can't help reaching out for more
And i cant sleep... you're so far away from me
And i can't sleep... And I can't sleep"

Fuck, if you've ever heard this at a rave, you know how epic it is to sing it along with 50 thousand people, and if you're about my age or older, you know something about heartbreak.
What this girl is feeling may be familiar to all of us... that feeling of empty arms at night. The lyrics are enough to take anyone back to their most recent painful breakup... where you can remember and dwell... and cry...

But you DON'T.
You dance, because damnit, you won't have that douchebag/bitch in your arms again for a good reason. They probably screwed you over anyway. So you get angry, and you get your second wind, and you fist pump at the air and shake your head and move your hips and try to forget.

NUMBER TWO: Roger Sanchez- Not Enough (dirty south mix)

"I gave you my love, gave you my trust
but my all was not enough
gave you my heart right from the start
i guess my love was not enough"

At first you're dancing along with the music, happily enjoying the sick beats... and then the lyrics come in... and remind you of your last girlfriend and how she took you for granted. Or how your last boyfriend stepped all over your little heart. And then the music hits again and you're like. Well fuck you ex boyfriend/girlfriend. Your loss. I'm going to dance extra hard to remind myself about how awesome I am, and how awesome you're not.

NUMBER THREE: David Guetta- Love don't let me go

"You've got me dancin' and cryin'
Rollin' and flying
Love don't let me go
You got me drownin' in a river
Cold and in fever
Love don't let me go
Don't let me gooooooooooo....."

Such a dichotomy of feelings... such ambivalence. The object of your affections has you running hot and cold. Makes you suffer AND swoon. They probably don't return your phonecalls or talk to you in public, but fuck you want them anyway. You are a glutton for punishment and want to keep loving this bi-polar person. Just dance then, you fool, and enjoy the crazy ride while it lasts.

NUMBER FOUR: Supermode (Axwell and Angello)- Tell Me Why

"TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" *Insert tragedy of your choice here"

This beautiful song has personal tragic meaning to me. And it doesn't really matter what happened to you. Did you get dumped? did your pet die? did you flunk school? did you get fat? did someone break your heart?
It doesn't matter. This is the house music anthem equivalent to shaking your fists as the sky. Tell me why!? Explain to me why my life sucks while I dance it up and get distracted by the shiny lights.

NUMBER FIVE: Perpetuous Dreamer- Sound of Goodbye

"I am lost for all eternity
Ever since you took your love away from me
Sometimes the sound of goodbye
Is louder than any drumbeat "

Despite that, for this lady singer, the sound of goodbye is louder than any drumbeat, she fills the void with music. Life has no meaning to her anymore, she feels lost, bereft, marooned on an island without this guy's love. She needs to get the hell over this guy. But once that beat picks up, you can't help but start dancing and reminding yourself that life goes on, and as the wise duo of BT/Tiesto says... love comes again.

So that is what it means to be a sad/depressed house music lover. You cry- and you dance. You bitch and complain- yet you dance. You feel sorry for yourself- but you dance. Dancing is way healthier than chocolate binges and razorblades anyways.

Some Honorable mentions:

David Guetta- Love is gone (way too obvious)
Armin Van Buuren- In & out of love
Dirty Vegas- Days go by
David Vendetta- Bleeding Heart (vocal mix)
Stromae- Alors on Danse

Tonight the world is much smaller, with only room for you and I

2010-11-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

Third person perspective is hard to achieve when it comes to your own life.
Sometimes you have the opportunity of stepping out of your own life and into a different one for a few hours, days, weeks, months.
It is only then that you can appreciate the aerial view and realize that things are simply not working out in their current state.

After a blissful weekend in Vegas, I have returned to my life in LA and come up with certain conclusions:

1. I need to spend more time doing things I like, instead of settling for my current vegetative 9-5 life.
-I love dancing, why don't I go dancing more often?
-I love traveling- why don't I travel?
-I love walking around by myself- what is it about this soulless city that strikes such a fear into me that I don't go out alone?

2. In my search for closure- or a conclusion to this dragging ex-relationship i have begun harboring destructive thoughts.
-Would I really hook-up with just anyone in order to assert control over my life? Sadly the answer is yes- and I haven't acted on it, but the desire to just get the message across with a physical representation is very strong. (Also I don't literally mean just anyone, I have certain standards.)
-I still feel trapped, suffocated. Despite the many steps I have taken to move on, I feel like other people, including him, drag me back into that hole. That was fine when I still felt something for him- which I absolutely and 100% don't anymore.
-I'm sick of being responsible for other people's moods, emotions, and happiness. Damnit I'm a 23 year old girl, not someone's mother or wife. Furthermore, I went through heartbreak too- why should I put up with guilt and emotional blackmail?

I think it's time to draw the line, but how the hell is the line drawn?
Help?

Adrenaline

2010-10-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

Or Caffeine?

I feel like my mind is racing... soaring thousands of miles per hour.
Yet my body is stationary, cooped up in a concrete jail.
I don't know if this makes me strange, but sometimes I feel like I am constantly going on astral projections.
When I read something particularly gripping it's as if i am somewhere else, I don't register the words, the pages, the book itself. I don't notice my body, its urges, needs, desires and flaws.
And it's always such agony to let it go,
to breathe in deep as my heart pumps away the adrenaline of the chase, of the flight, of the ride, of the borrowed /usurped oxytocin.

Why am i such a bundle of conflicting emotions lately?

-One minute i want to scream with longing.
-One minute I want to smile in relief.
-One minute I want to close my eyes and fast forward through life.
-And the other I want to run... and run... and dance... and go somewhere else.

In my present state, I am smiling- but it feels like something is missing.
And in my alone time I feel fragmented.
This void steals my concentration, sucks in my energy. Leaves me internally lifeless.
And then Im back. and more confused than ever.

And such is the hormonal roller-coaster that is my life.

Time

2010-09-27T01:36:00.001-07:00

Is it wrong to talk to you like you're here?
To direct responses and actions to the lack of your presence?
In some years' time the space beside me will cease to be void of you,
if time is nothing but a perception then it makes complete sense for me to toast to you, direct smiles your way, dress up for you. Speak to you in my mind. Share your breath.

Finally onwards

2010-08-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Face to the sun, its rays kissing me with comforting warmth.
As the wind blows my hair it whispers to me,
it tells me of places and things and smells and sights and people that have yet to see.
Of feelings just like this one of complete happiness that are yet to be discovered.
The blue sky above me, so uncharacteristically blue, reminds me that under this same sky... le meme ciel... rest loved ones that I have yet to meet.
"It was just a taste" the wind tells me,
and isn't that what life is all about?
Tastes, samples, morcels of time... the good ones so rare to come.
((Truly good ones, in which you look within yourself and recognize them for what they are))
the moments that make your soul sing and your memory hold them forever.
"It's waiting for you" the wind says,
"it's yours... he's yours..."
I look to the sky once again, the glittering sun shines, effulgent, saying "you know this, close your eyes and reach out. Be in peace, live your now, it's all there, he's all there, waiting... bidding the time until that perfect moment... in which the paths must align."

coup de foudre, and when the time arrives, I know I will look towards the sky, and the wind will whisper to me... "this is it, can you feel it?"

This is why when I break his heart ((as he once and once again broke mine)) I do it with the certainty that this is just another lesson... another morcel of time that must pass us by.

I must pick up the pace and move onwards...
The universe promises me a hundred things every day.

Attention à la marche en descendant du train

2010-06-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I really really hate Los Angeles.

Decided to venture out to Santa Monica to meet up with Hannah, who is here for about a week. I couldn't let her come all the way from Paris and not see her.
It was nice... shopped and didn't find anything I liked (thank goodness cos I have zero money)

I came to the conclusion that I will never be happy in LA and I need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

That, and the fact that I'm still in love, still longing for my happy place.
Listening to music made me realize how sick my feelings really are... When I listen to something that reminds me of my time there I literally feel like my heart is breaking, I feel the same I used to feel when I broke up with my first love. that longing, that feeling of incompleteness, emptiness, wanting to turn back time.

Today, while on the metro gold line, we went over a bridge and my mind played a nasty trick on me. I blinked and suddenly I was on line 6 passing by Bir Hakeim and Eiffel was glittering and winking at me in the night sky. I blinked again and I was back in the Arts district, with the smoggy LA skyline mocking me with its utter unattainability.

Nothing here is heavy enough to tether me to LA.
How do I make it out of here?

2010-05-12T23:41:00.001-07:00

Bedrest absolutely sucks.

Got to see something extremely cool today, and a little gross.
I had a flexible sigmoidoscopy, which is just a fancy name for sticking a tube up me. I got to see my insides on a tv and it's really cool. They did a biopsy and there's some bleeding so I had to rest today.

I am bored out of my mind. I have nothing to do. Nothing catches my interest and I'm restless. How is it that in college ( wow, I can refer back to it now, creepy) in college I always had so many distractions. When I had to study or I had a paper due I always lagged and read instead. Or watched a movie. Or always had too many people to talk to.
So what's going on now???

2010-05-12T01:13:00.001-07:00

Strong urges to be single. Strong urges to walk down rue Angelique verien listening to wax tailor. Strong urges to smell rain and cigarettes, see gray skies. Strong urges to be anonymous, so fabulously anonymous. Strong urges to dance under pulsing lights and give in this time. Strong urges for a change. A deeper change. For more.

2010-05-06T22:02:00.001-07:00

ARGH!!! why am I in this relationship again??!!!!

2010-05-02T02:27:00.001-07:00

On the outside everything might look perfect, amazing, right. My life is going on the right track. A great course. A new beginning. Thing is. I'm barely holding it together right now. Just barely. I feel such desperation about the way my life is right now. About what ive accomplished. My personal relations. Oh gosh my health. I'm slowly falling apart and I've got tangible proof now.

I can't talk to them. I can't talk to him. And anyone else, I feel guilty to complain because my
Life is perfect right? I feel helpless. I feel so much resentment. So much anger. I know who is to blame. But at the end of the day, blaming doesn't matter. I still have to play with the cards I'm dealt. I still have to go through this alone.

Can't keep thinking I need a big Change. The next planet over wouldn't be far enough. Distance, my worst enemy of two years ago is looking more and more like a friend I want to have. I want to leave it all behind because i feel inadequate. Insufficient. Unimportant. And I HATE feeling that way.

All I care about right now is being healthy. If I could just have that. Then the constant toxicity of my current life wouldn't matter. I hate hating. And resenting and loathing. I don't like who I am when I'm forced to feel such negative emotions. I can only hope that may 14 will
Close a chapter of my
Life. 3.5 wonderful years at USC. And one semester of pure hell. I hope it all comes back to you one day.

2010-04-20T16:45:00.001-07:00

I don't want to forget this dream. I don't know why but it felt more real than many of my days in reality. Strong arms around me. That face. The feeling of complete joy that we were (once again?) reunited. Then the conversation. The looks. The club scene. The 4 minute kiss. The confession. The doubt. And then the knowledge that everything was as it was meant to be. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something??

2010-04-17T19:41:00.001-07:00

High school leadership conference went perfectly and smoothly today. Put on by the "Teaching International Relations Program" (TIRP) and the topic was US Options in Iran. It was about sanctions and the ethics and politics behind them in face of the nuclear dilemma. Quite enlightening. Inspiring young minds was kind of awesome. My team, four smart boys from sherman oaks high school, was well prepared and we were all quite brilliant together. Pretty sure they had a great experience and learned a lot. I was impressed with how smart my boys were. But being around that many high school students definitely took it's toll on me a couple hours ago. Its like they sucked my energy out or something. Now I'm feeling so grouchy and moody and frustrated. I think I need sleep. Or release. Or a good cry. Got this terrible and great desire to cry and lash out against someone. Full of frustrated energy yet devoid of any physical energy. I literally can't get off my couch. Maybe I will try for a nap.

2010-04-12T23:39:00.001-07:00

Feels like LA is gonna suck the life right out of me. It's been draining my energy like an evil powersucking force. I've been so sickly here. And regardless of how hard I'm hit I just keep coming back for more. I need to leave. This place will give me nothing good.

2010-04-11T23:49:00.001-07:00

Thinking about him. About that night. So close to doing something I would regret. But also completely satisfied with my self control. I still will never forget that night. Seemed so out of my life. So foreign. But it gave me a glimpse of what things would be like if...

2010-04-09T12:59:00.001-07:00

When you're heartbroken, when a very important and intense relationship has ended, you're left with a gaping wound in the middle of your chest. A space left vacant that the love occupied. It feels wretched. You're out of breath. Can't exist with a broken heart. Half life.
The only possible solution. The only prescription for an ailing heart is time. And it's true. When you've loved and lost time is the only factor that can ever heal. Make you forget. Dull the pain.
Now. What do you do when you've fallen in love with an entire city??!
A year afterwards and not a day goes by that I'm not hit with terrible longing for the place that made me the happiest.
I'm afraid this is a love I will never get over.

Funny how much things change

2010-04-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

It was one of those times where I look at my old blog posts... looking back at how life was, and comparing it to life now.
Some things have changed so much that I cringe and wince just by reading of them again.

I was having a down week... for many many reasons
And re-reading has made me realize that sometimes,
flowers can't bloom when the dirt around them is bad, or when theres no water, or air, or sun.
I haven't felt so trapped in so long, in so many ways.
Paying 800 bucks a month to live in hell.
Trying to make a future in a dirty, soulless city.
Wanting to leave everything behind and leave nothing behind at the same time.

Getting some serious medical attention now,
gonna do all kinds of super invasive tests on me...
could this be the end of it?
after a lifetime of wondering whats wrong...
well we shall see.

Good to know I still have the ability to cheer myself up so drastically.
Some people might call it a huge moodswing
I call it a victory, I have defeated myself and surfaced happy :)

School is getting tooooooo stressful!
can't take it!
ugh
ok
i promise I will try to have more structure for my next post
and peut etre en francais.
ok?
byes

2010-04-06T20:02:00.001-07:00

Test, test 123

c'est pas juste

2010-03-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

Maintenant toutes mes sentiments et pensées me dissent qu'il faut casser avec lui.
J'ai pas contente. Du tout.
J'ai du le faire quelques années en avance.
Quand les problèmes étaient un problème.
Mais un changement s'approxime. Dans deux mois je vais avoir une vie complètement différente.
Est que ca me présent une opportunité de refaire ma vie?
Est que c'est un bon choix de le faire si rapidement?
je sais pas.
Mais j'ai le droite a un amour vivant, avec des illusions, des espoirs, des rêves.
J'ai le droit de me sentir femme, aimée, belle, spéciale, désirée
Et franchement j'ai rien de ca dans ma vie actuelle.
Je me sens trop conne parce qu'il va faire l'effort de venir me voir pour les vacances du printemps... il est trop heureux de me voir demain, de passer de temps ensemble.
Mais ces petits weekends ne son pas assez pour moi.
Ils ne peuvent pas m'indemniser pour une vie sans amour, sans joie.
UGH! quelle vie de merde.
OK... c'est fini.
Rant over.

C'est une question d'essayer

2010-03-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

Salut a tous :)
je sais qu'il y a personne que me lis. Mais, bon.
Je sais que j'ai dit que je ferais cet blog seulement en français... mais tristement, mon niveau de français c'est pas si bon pour m'exprimer avec la complexité que me caractérise.

Donc, la prochaine partie de mon blog ce soir sera en anglais.

What a random day!
It was a sensory and emotional rollercoaster.
Work today wasn't too bad... getting really sad about not seeing my boss Tracey until after graduation. I hope she can be of great help to her ailing mother.
She's a very big part of my support system and my life coach. Also a great friend.

Then I had Helenes meeting... and those have left me feeling so sad lately, I don't feel like I fit in. Or want to...
So I left, like charlie brown, looking down, wondering why on earth I feel so uncomfortable and inadequate in a place that made me so happy before.
And I sat by a bench and tried to study
and then Oby came by, and we started talking, then had lunch together.
I don't know how God knew to send her my way, but talking to her was just what I needed.
Sometimes people need validation, understanding, sympathy.
And it's exactly what I got, the deep conversation that makes my soul sing, the difficult questions, the emotional challenge.
I went to french class feeling a lot better, still nervous about that stupid midterm.

French class was ok, learned about CVs and such.
The time for my midterm had arrived...
It was hard, and I was under-prepared.
My brain failed me.
The beautiful essays I usually write under pressure and with very little time were nowhere to be seen.
I blanked out, could not remember the names of nuclear non-proliferation treaties that i've been studying my entire college career.
Epic fail.

Whatever, I'm a senior. I just wanna get done with the next few months and move on!

I went to a lecture on disaster relief at 5... it was interesting. Scholars that do their PhDs at USC talked about their respective countries and emergency response procedures there. My IR professor (prof Becker) was moderating the panel.
There was this annoying ass guy next to me who kept on talking out of order and interrupting the panelists. I wanted to clock him in the head.
After the lecture I stopped by to say hi to professor Becker, and we had a bit of a chat, and then we walked over to the baseball stadium to watch his Alma mater (UConn) play USC. That was super random, he'es a really cool person though, I always have really interesting times around him. I've taken him for three classes and I'm very interested in the type of work he focuses on, although getting to know him on a more personal level is cool too.

I walked over to Helenes event after nearly two hours of freezing in the baseball field with Sweeeet Caroliiiine pa-pa-pa stuck in my head. Still there.
Helenes event was good. I decorated a t-shirt for Take back the night week. (which promotes awareness of sex crimes)
I picked a pink shirt, which meant I was doing it for someone who survived a sexual assault or molestation.
I did my shirt about a friend who went through this, decorated it accordingly, got inspired by what other people wrote on their shirts.
It was definitely an experience.
Thank you God for never allowing any type of violence or abuse to happen in my life.

I came home and sat down, unable to move out of my super comfy bed.
But then I realized I wanted to make lunch, I made brown rice and chicken stew. I'm very excited about eating it tomorrow.

I know I said this post was going to be complex, and it's nothing but a mere recount of my ordinary day. Maybe tomorrow will be better? And maybe tomorrow I won't be too exhausted to write in french.

A demain.

Une annee en retard

2010-03-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

Au lieu de créer un nouvelle journal, j'ai décidé de utilizer celui ici.
Je sais que c'est très longtemps des que j'ai écrit ici, plus ou moins une année... il y a pas une bonne explication, c'est seulement le fait d'être trop occupée et un peut désintéresse par l'écriture en général. Tout le temps que j'ai libre c'est pour dormir, faire des devoirs, lire, regarder des films et m'assurer de ne pas perdre ma tète.

J'ai décidée de faire cet blog en français parce que ca me donnera un lieu pour dire ce que je veux dire sans limitation. Sans contrôle. Personne peux le lire, et aussi c'est une tres bonne opportunite pour pratiquer mon francais.

C'est difficile de pratiquer quand mon cours de français est le seul lieu dans lequel je parle français. Il y a personne avec laquelle je peux parler... donc je trouve que mon français n'est pas si bonne comme a Paris.
Il me faut beaucoup pour être dans un meilleur niveau.

Je reviendrai demain pour faire un autre post et pour écrire quelque chose d'importance.
A demain.

9 days and counting

2009-05-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhhh
my heart aches
how do you deal with losing your true love?
how do you abandon the place where you've been the happiest?!
I don't think anyone could understand how deeply Paris has become a part of me.

I just read a previous entry, from the first few weeks of being in Paris.
And I recall not being as optimistic back then.
I guess it's a slow process... falling in love.
You open yourself up, you're vulnerable, walls down.
New experiences, new sensations, new feelings.
It took about a month and a half for me to know that this is it.
It's not going to get any better than this.
Paris has shown me the best time of my life.

I have never been so happy in my life.
carefree...
i don't have to deal with the problems of family
or the boy that keeps playing games.
I have been HAPPY
and it came from no one, but myself.

I am never going to forget the nights spent dancing under the lights
or day afternoons lying on the grass in beautiful Paris gardens
or the food... or the feeling of being in this wonderful city.
Just walking by the Seine and realizing how lucky I am.
The beautiful people
The freedom of going anywhere, anytime
no barriers, no limitations.
No judgment.

Gosh I've changed so much
I know it's hard to believe one can change in 5 months
but I feel like a different person.
I honestly don't think LA can satisfy anymore.

My eyes have seen so many beautiful things
how do i go back to LA and keep my heart from breaking?

I have nothing to go home to.
My mom... she could come visit!
my sister has her own life...
my friends could visit too.

There is nothing to go home for.
No motivation.
Nothing to tether my heart with that place
and everything keeping it here.

UGH
I want to stay
and be happy forever.
I don't wanna cry anymore, i don't want to feel betrayed and alone and misunderstood.
Just walking outside on a sunny day in Paris erases every negative feeling,
Nothing matters
it's like Paris envelops you with love.

USC is awesome too...
but what am i gonna do this summer?
back in my parent's house?
back to depending
asking for permission, for rides
feeling trapped
like i don't belong
having no space
suffocating.

Ugh I can already feel it.

I better stop
9 more days, i have to make the best of them.
I'll be back here soon.
If LA doesn't fit at all... then no reason to stay there.
I need to look for my own peace.

Resting from a sinful weekend.

2009-03-24T04:35:00.000-07:00

So...
went to Belgium this week.
Courtesy of the lovely Adrianita and her amazing host family from the past.
I really didn't know what to expect-
I mean,
This girly talked about Belgium with such reverence, but yet I never got the real feel of what it was about.

It was AWESOME.

Firstly: Green pastures, Nature! FLOWERS!

Secondly: Lovely, unpretentious and friendly people, ready to welcome you into their home.

Thirdly: These people speak clearly, without the lame and snobby Parisian accent, so it's easy to understand and speak comfortably.

and most importantly: The food.

Oh... my... gosh...
That place is quite literally Maco Paradise

They have friteries, FRY SHOPS. Everywhere.
You can buy a full cone of delicious fries, smothered in your favorite sauce...
Heaven!
Idk if you know this...
I'm obsessed with fries
I think they might be my favorite food in the world!

Then they had waffles...
omg...
the waffles... with nutella, or ice cream and chocolate sauce.
Amazing

And then there was a chocolate shop every 2 steps.
Definitely my kind of place.

This week is a bit difficult because of exams...
I have an IR one right now, and tomorrow, Keanu Reeve's french lit.
UGH.

At least I have the memories from the weekend to keep me going.
The french should seriously invest in some Friteries, it would make people who live here happier... and not as somber.
Ok. Time to go i guess...

Oh oh... btw
I had a bad dream.
It's one of THOSE dreams.
I guess once you lose trust it doesn't come back the same,
there's always some sort of backlash.
UGH
ok... bye now.

The SUN and its effect on my MOOD

2009-03-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Insanity.
This weekend I was the craziest, most emotional PMSing bitch in the world,
and today, the sun came out and the weather was beautiful!
And all of a sudden everything was right with my world.
I was sooo happy all day.
I feel like my heart is full of joy
and love
I've been listening to mellow romantic music and waiting for the sun to come out again tomorrow.

I switched families!!!!!
I am soooo happy here!
I had not realized how badly that lady treated me, until I was surrounded by kind, welcoming people who make me feel completely at home!
ahhhh....
thank you baby jesus for lifting the hormonal shackles that oppressed me :)

Now I can listen to Robi draco rosa on repeat
and be in love with love :)
la la la

Les Choses Regardent en haute. (Things are looking up)

2009-02-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my amazing life coach,
I've been feeling better about life.
A good cry is sometimes all you need for a new start.
I've been trying to go out, by myself, or with others
and being friendly and nice
even to the people i don't like much.
it's really not that much of an effort on my part, it almost costs me nothing
and in turn i feel better for not having anything negative against anyone.

The most annoying thing of this week: being sick.
More than a week after the fact and I still feel sick.
I wake up congested and hurty.
:( this stupid european flu virus will not take me down, damnit!

Another annoying thing,
I've been getting migraine headaches.
Like, sick, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, teary eyed pain in the brain.
wtf...
it starts when im at sorbonne french class...
and slowly grows and grows until i can't stand it anymore.
I have a free night right now,
I could be reading, which is what I usually love doing with my free nights (when I don't go out) but i can't, because I have a headache (it's not as severe this time)

Helas,
Today was a good day.
I met Leah (super nice girl)
We spent the early afternoon at the Musee d'Orsay
amazing museum,
I saw sooo many famous paintings!
Degas' Ballerinas, Van Gogh's hits, Some Monets, and some very Interesting others, it was very nice.
The musee d'orsay is cute, very well organize and easy to navigate through.
I would say I like it better than the Louvre, despite being smaller, because it's not as overwhelming, you can actually see what you want to see without feeling like you're out of time.
After the Orsay we went to the Latin quarter for lunch, we ate at one of those cute, in the wall greek sandwich places where they shave the meat/chicken out of a rotating chunk of roasted meat.
Delicious, a nice meal for 5.50!
we spent a little more at Haagen Dazs (and whytf is there an sz in there?)
Brownie with chocolate ice cream... mmmmMMMmmm
Then we're like, ok, food coma, let's go watch a movie.
My first French movie!!!!!!! :)
I would have appreciated my first time to be special.
And it was... but not for the right reasons.
We saw a movie called Ricky.
About a baby that has wings, and flies, flies, flies away from his mommy.
Lots of unnecesary nudity, that Hunky but evil captain from Pan's Labyrinth was the daddy, and man has he put on some weight! I barely recognized him halfway into the movie, his handsome features were hiding under his many voluminous jowls and gay little hoop earring.
En fin,
Movie was like..... o..k...o.0
But it was still a funny/curious/interesting experience.
I came home and to my utter disbelief, madame had cooked something edible!
*choir of angels*
she invented this casserole thing of potatoes and tuna and onions and cream and idk what else
but it was ok.
Now, I'm forcing myself to write, i feel like i dont keep up enough. and that many awesome details of my life here are going by unnnoticed.

Well... yeah
fun day
I'm a bit apprehensive because I don't have plans for the weekend.
But something will come up.
If not, I will force myself to go to Trocadero or Sacre Coeur with a good book and sit down, and read my way into the day.
Sounds like a good plan.

A bientot world!

I have been afflicted...

2009-02-13T05:36:00.000-08:00

With a deadly strain of a blood-thirsty European flu virus.
The kind that killed 90% of the latin american natives in the past.
It is only fitting, that, as a show of European genetic superiority, impeccable breeding and immunity to this virus, I, the incan princess, contract it instead.
It is the sickest I've been in a while.
Usually I still retain my voice, my desire to eat, my desire to go out and have fun.
However,
this debilitating disease has bought me to my metaphorical knees.
I have been sleeping away the days, skipping meals, passing up pains au chocolat.
what is this world coming to?
the worst part,
It seems like my madame wants me out of the house.
She gets really weird when I don't go out.
today she was like,
"Diner avec tes amis?"
and i'm all looking like a zombie, on my deathbed, with tissues everywhere, droopy eyes and red nose: "oui, oui"
ugh
If i was at my apartment at home, I could stay in the entire day, and regain my strength, but here I'm expected to go out morning and night.

On the other hand, I am feeling kinda sad because i would like to be well enough to go out exploring,
but then I look out my window and see what a grey ugly day it is... surely snow and wind and rain would not aid me in my battle against this zombie-making virus.

Dommage!

So being in Paris for the third week...

2009-02-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

Is proving to be very disconcerting.
I mean, I love it, it's Paris, its fabulous and it's infusing me with a different kind of life and culture.
But there are some things that don't make me completely happy.
I guess I realized that you can't be completely happy in any one place,
it's just not possible.
You end up missing the place you were supposed to be escaping.
And your ideal vacation, and idealized version of a superior life turns into a routine, much like the one you escaped from, although embellished with wonderful monuments and amazing bread.

What am about to confess, is perhaps the most painful of my weaknesses (which are many) Many people know me as a strong person, and I have always been self-reliant and to an extent narcissistic and self-absorbed. But I always seem to fall back on and rely on people close to me... forming friendships with people, having someone to share things with, someone to take care of, indulge, make them laugh, and in turn, company, the feeling of being part of something, sharing some of myself with someone, (knowing I am awesome ..narcissism.. I naturally want to connect with someone, hoping they will see me, and share some of their own awesomeness with me)
So needless to say, I have been having a rough time in Paris.

The other day, in a bout of hormone-induced self-wallowing, I realized that nobody loves me in this country. There is absolutely no love exchange between me and any person in this city, in this country, in this continent!
Love is like the air I breathe, I am my best when in love, or loving others and I realize that part of me has been shut down for a while.
Don't get me wrong, the people from my program are awesome,
but somehow I cannot seem to break through the casual conviviality and aloof coexistence and make one true friend. I mean, i hang out with people, I talk to people, I go out with people... but when it counts, it doesn't really mean much, and at the end of the day, I still feel lonely.
Chuti keeps telling me that I have lots of friends, true friends, best friends who love me back home, and that this is just an experience. It's hard to consider it as such when it drags on for more than 3 weeks... it ceases to be an experience and starts to resemble life.

I feel guilty for most of my negative feelings,
because I'm in Paris
I shouldn't have to complain, I shouldn't want to complain.
But you all know me, emo little Maco who can't keep her emotions in check.
At least not with myself.

The silliest things bother me,
like the lack of yellow mustard,
how hard it is to find wheat bread,
the fact that people here don't smile to each other, don't share anything of each other with strangers.
the fact that the french are meat eating beasts,
and they think theyre so healthy, when they eat white bread and meat and cheese all day,
ugh... madame food problems, let's not dwell on those.
the effort i have to put in speaking in another language,
the fact that if i find something funny, or think of a particularly clever and funny thought, I have no one to share it with.
The finer details of my personality are lost in translation.

I want to get out, explore france, go for weekend trips, anything!
but again, i am thwarted by my inability to function independently.
I am scared of this city
probably the result of growing up blondish and light skinned in Peru
or spending my high school years in East la,
or just being a defenseless female in general.
And again with the inability to reach people.
I feel like under other circumstances people find me quite charming and I am friendly and social.
but these huge changes in my life have made me revert back to those first years when I moved from Peru to los angeles.
I was humbled, awkward, my self esteem was low, because i wasn't part of something, because I was out of my element, because I was, once again, at the bottom of the food chain, when I had always been used to being the queen bee.
And this is exactly what's happening again.
I don't feel comfortable
I tend to say too little, or too much
I say the wrong thing, I care too much, or don't care enough.

I really don't see a solution to this, I am a deep believer in first impressions.
So my course of action should be to develop that friendship with myself i used to have, to be able to function alone, and explore alone, and rely on no one.
At least until I can fall back on people who care, who love me and who will let me be who I am.

just a clarification,
although this is an issue in my current life
I am having a wonderful time in Paris.
Hannah said that Paris is a very personal city, and that this is a very personal experience, and it is true,
I'm finding myself enjoying every single bit of my days,
from metro riding to explorations
to coming back to my cozy little room to think and talk to loved ones, connecting with my loves in the states.

Why am i so sentimental?
ugh
i feel people who are cold hearted or fickle would be doing extremely well in this sort of situation.
or those type of people who make friends instantly but don't really develop individual connections.

Ok... time to read some more,
hopefully, with this out of my head, I can concentrate on seeing the softer side of life.

Magic in this city

2009-02-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

I have been very lazy about updating... idk, my desires for writing have been dwindling down. I regard it as a task rather than a hobby.
So instead of writing a huge post, Maria will now proceed to writing a list of things, sensations, feelings and objects that bring me much pleasure in the magical city of Paris.

Here is goes:

LIST OF THINGS/OBJECTS/PLACES/FEELINGS/SENSATIONS THAT MARIA FINDS MAGICAL IN PARIS:

♥ The crunch of a baguette
♥ The feeling of sloshing through snow
♥ nutella on my mouth
♥ the peace of sitting on the steps of sacre coeur
♥ The chilly air hitting my face
♥ Sticky eyes/smiles with cute metro riders and knowing you won't see them again
♥ The smell of my elevator and this apartment, french perfume
♥ Le curieux spagetti bar <3
♥ Speaking spanish/english in the metro and not caring
♥ Smiling and dancing in the metro and not caring
♥ The convenience of monoprix
♥ SOLDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
♥ Riding the metro
♥ the sound of MY heels hitting the pavement
♥ The random "holy shit holy shit im in Paris! what am i doing indoors?" moments
♥ Being in the future of everyone in LA :)
♥ Seeing the "fascination" books/movie adds. (can u guess?)

more to come :)

La jetlag c'est fini!

2009-01-26T04:28:00.000-08:00

Today is my fifth day in Paris!
and the first morning I wake up in my madame's house
AND the first morning I take the metro by myself... successfully!

The past few days were really strange... the jetlag was causing me to miss out on a lot. Like dinner and going out.
But I slept through the night last night... so things should be fine :)

My madame...
Her name is Armelle de Chauliac,
she's a 60 year old lady who is retired,
coincidentally, she does the same as mom, she takes care of older people.
She had no kids, and lives alone in a very nice apartment very close to the eiffel tower.
(I can see the eiffel tower from the balcony window!! it's like a dream!)
She's very nice, and warm, and squishy, and funny, so I think we're going to get along great!

I have some things to buy
mostly toiletries I forgot to bring
a blanket
and like, food.
cos this bread-at-every-meal thing is just not gonna fly with me.

I'm very tired...
On saturday I missed my bus tour of Paris, because me and adriana were trying to find something to eat, so we went on our own adventure.
Took the metro to the louvre, then walked to the eiffel tower along the Seine.
It was nice, my feet hurt afterwards, and there was an incident with killer pigeons.

My orientation sessions are all very spread out, which sucks, cos we have all this free time to walk around bastille, but my right foot hurts a bit, and it's cold outside, so I thought I would update this thing.

I'm very moody though, I don't know why. I need some caffeine, so I don't lose the battle to jetlag once again.

oh oh!
good news!
I found my favoritest chocolate EVER!
I bought a bar of it, it's called FRIGOR and I tried it in switzerland a long time ago but I never forgot its glorious taste. I remembered it well.
It is the most yummylicious chocolate there ever was.
I will take great joy and pleasure in enjoying it.
I want to relax tonight, and maybe watch some french tv with Armelle.
She's super nice :)

I have to go take an assessment test right now, but I will definitely come by and update, and post pictures and whatnot.

BTW, I was SO surprised that my french didn't cower and hide in front of my madame.
I can pretty much talk to her with very minor mistakes.
I'm excited about it getting better

My metro ride was awesome today
I got on the right metros! which in itself is a feat, it's easy to get lost.
Then there was a french dude with a 4 month old puppy, and that made my day
and also, an accordeon player and a sax player came into my metro cart and played some awesome french music.
It was perfect, like in the movies.

I spent way too much on food today,
(because of a yucky dijon mustard incident I had to buy a second non-yucky sanwhich)
but hopefully after the market today I'll be able to make my own lunch, woo!

Ok, a revoir for sure now. <3

Le premier jour a Paris!

2009-01-22T15:25:00.000-08:00

I am in Paris, city of light, a couple of blocks away from the Place de la Bastille.
Plane ride from LA was smooth...
watched the Duchess, and City of Ember, and even slept.
Couldn't wait for the group transfer so I took a cab to the accent center.
(40 euro cab -_-)
i overpacked, in a ridiculous way
i have a lot of options when it comes to clothes,
but I'm the one thats gonna lugg them around on sunday to go to my host family.
Right now we're staying in La residence Daumesnil. It's pretty much like a hotel, I have my own single room with bathroom, internet, a kitchen, a fridge and a microwave and a double bed.
Pretty sweet arrangement, mostly everyone is sharing rooms, ha, in their face.

I'm in a pretty good mood. What little I have seen of Paris is awesome.
The whole Bastille area is very hip and nice
The cold is REALLY not that bad. Very manageable.
The whole group thing is fun... but I want to break out and live like a Parisian.
Can't wait to have some yummy french bread!
And find out all about my host family... I hope they like me.
I can see the amazing things that will come because of all the walking :)

today we had a walking tour of Bastille neighborhood,
and we had dinner at the center and talked and hung out.
I really like the girls I've been hanging out with :)
We met a group of 7 guys from IIT in chicago
and hung out at their tiny apartment
some had wine, i had water
and we talked about politics and oscar nominations and just random stuff.
very nice people.

Right now my body is giving out, im extremely lightheaded and dizzy,
I'm gonna GRUB tomorrow morning
and now I need to go to sleep.

And so ends day 1 in paris

AFTER A ONE SEMESTER HIATUS!

2008-12-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*crowd cheers wildly*
*standing ovation*
*some booing*

I know I know, I've been terrible.
A whole semester without posting...
It's just... it was a VERY happy semester
and it seems like I don't need to write (vent) as much when I'm happy.

Instead of doing a recap of what my whole semester was (pure awesomeness with a side of ick-classes) I will proceed to listing the things I will miss this next semester...

cos... did I mention?

I'M GOING TO PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOR A WHOLE SEMESTERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...
so

before I forget,
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Everyone!

ok.

Now...

LIST OF THINGS (AND PEOPLE) MARIA WILL MISS

♥ My amazing tempurpedic bed
♥ My momi
♥ Conijandra
♥ living with Katifasia
♥ Gatifasio and Pupifasio
♥ Garden Salsa sunchips
♥ Thtr MFA eye candy
♥ The AHIS department
♥ My amazing rosebuds!
♥ Helenes in general
♥ Karen, Chuti, Heather, Cinty and Andres
♥ Chicken Parmesan nights
♥ aim chats with Elisa
♥ Bih-keh
♥ The dollar
♥ Ezequiel bread
♥ SoCal weather (already missing it)
♥ My blackberry pearl
♥ My *extensive* collection of scarves
♥ The english language
♥ Papa a la huancaina
♥ Viztango's homemade ravioli
♥ My twilight collection
♥ Seeing movies when they come out
♥ getting rides everywhere
♥ Inca Kola
♥ Forever 21

That's it for now...

I'll come back if I remember more <3

And of course, this just in time to be able to update y'all on my european adventure!

Au revoir, world.

2 months of my life

2008-10-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

So how do I make up for lost time and attempt to cram nearly two months of my life into this tiny morsel of webspace?

Shopping list style!
Here it is, the highlights of my end of summer/fall semester at USC!

♥RADIOHEAD CONCERT!
most amazing and earth shattering night of my summer (besides EDC)I literally wanted to cry when they started playing, they make my soul sing and dance along to their wonderful memories. And In Rainbows... simply flawless
♥Moving into my apartment by SC
I love my little room, having my space, cable and a KITCHEN full of food is wonderful.
♥Having KATE as a roommate
My Katifasia is awesome and living with her is easy and effortless. I love lounging on the living room every night and cooking dinner together. She's the bestest.
♥HELENES! Amazing group of girls, community service and fun, they've given my life at usc the purpose and belonging it lacked!

Not Breaking anything yet.

2008-08-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

I must be the hugest dork on the face of the earth
but at least i'm a happy dork.

Currently i must say I'm not at my best
the disappointment of not having my Breaking Dawn yet (while some friends already got theirs)
and the overall feeling of hormones making my organs act agaisnt me have certainly put a damper on my fun day.
today was amazing!
heh

well last night, went with Cinty to elisa's
went to islands and two failed B.D. release parties.
lameeeeeeeee
I mean, I realize it's a young adult book,
but it's such a great series, it deserves at least a certain modicum of sophistication and class...
*sigh*
it's ok.
My twilight army got separated,
due to whims of certain 40+ people.
but I ended up having fun.

slept with cinty in Elisa's sofa bed thing.
drifted in and out of nice dreams.
mmMMMMmm
when cinty woke up at 8... i wanted the ground to swallow me.
I owe my body a LOT of sleep.
but then elisa came out of her room and we talked,
got ready
messed around with her books,
and jose met us for brunch.
after brunch came back to elisa's place, cos we were in a karaoke mood
and omg it was sooooo much fun!
my and elisa were in tears everytime jose got the mic
omg... that guy is hilarious
we all got so into it!
had so much fun

i came home and things were, of course, slow here
sat down to sulk over the fact that life is unfair
(because i dont have my book yet)
but at the same time felt extemely lucky that at the moment that is the ONLY thing wrong with me.
AAAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDDD
I don't plan on that changing.
I like my peace.

I realize I didn't write anything about my time in Florida,
but that doesn't belong here
it belongs to another type of life,
a type i hope I will get a taste of when I finally graduate and start living life how i want to live it.
surrounded by family, love, peace, fun, serenity, smiles and joy.

USC is rushing towards me
and I am running towards it with open arms
I can't wait to go back.
I love my school, with the fiery passion of 1000 burning suns
I love my friends <3
And I'm gonna be doing what I do best.

Have i said it before?
I feel a GREAT year coming on
I feel it!
I'm through pleasing others
This one is mine. :)

Full Recovery

2008-07-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

I am just recovering from a cold...
and i got that annoying little cough that will probably last for a couple of days.
I hate it when two or more ailments come at the same time... it's like a big practical joke of "how much more can she take?"
However, I will not complain about the cold... because it was not ill-gotten.
It was probably one of the most well-deserved and sweetly obtained cold of my life.
It happened like this...
Last saturday I went to EDC...
and had the time of my life.
I made friends, and danced, and listened to awesome music and it was overall an awesome experience.
but the sweating and dancing and being in the cold afterwards got me a cold.
The week was tough... recovering from the amazing fun, the cold, and preparing for another ailment.
Plus enduring the current situation here at home,
and the boy situation...
I thought I had it all figured out.
I've always had a soft spot for him, and he's not doing well,
and it's apparently because of me (or the lack of me)
how to fix this?
why aren't people just direct?
tell me what u want, tell me what u want from me, and i can see how to give it to u if i can.
tell me what youre willing to do, what you arent.
and tell me why, how, when
it's only when i have the full story that I can make an objective decision
it's only when i know exactly what you feel that I can see if I can feel too.

*sigh*

just got back from watching fireworks at the coliseum with heather
It was fun.
she's one of the only people I can be myself with,
don't have to pretend, or try hard, or anything
everything is effortless and easy
that's a sign of good friendship.

Stupid cough.
stupid overactive brain
and stupid body of mine,
i know i overreact to stress by getting sick
but this is just ridiculous.

blah!
life! get better soon please!

Midsummer resolutions

2008-06-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

Ok...
so after some very unsettling behavior exhibited throughout the course of the past month or so, I decided to write down some resolutions... in the hope that I will abide by them and make my life a little easier.

Resolution number one:
-I will not, WILL NOT throw up or get nauseous whenever I see someone I don't like. It doesn't matter how unfortunate looking they may be, or what they have done to deserve my loathing, getting nauseous is NOT a good way to react, plus I shouldn't be making people feel bad just because I can't stand the sight of them, it is NOT nice.

Resolution number two:
-I will pay my library card fee so that I can finally materialize my very comprehensive book list. Karen can't be my book mafia mama anymore.

Resolution number three:
-I will go to the doctor and get these extremely odd symptoms looked at. I mean... following a low-sodium diet is extremely difficult, because it entails i eat raw, bland foods, which is never enjoyable. I need to figure out why I've been stuck weighing the same despite the major dietary sacrifices and daily gymming. My aunt fela told me I was retaining water. blah!

Resolution number four:
-I will buy good sunblock. I get that the tanned look is in, but after I saw what happened to my sis after spending a couple of days in the sun, I do not want to be brown like her. More like golden. Not brown. Hence the good sunblock.

Resolution number five:
-I will dye my hair in time for EDC this coming saturday. I already have plans to go do it with heather, so this is one I'll be able to check off my list soon.

Resolution number six:
-I will try to stay sane at home and not snap at anyone. It doesn't mater how downright annoying my sister can be and how badly she grates my last nerve, I will endure the rest of the summer like the good girl I am. I won't pick fights, and I will ignore the snide comments, the humiliating comparisons, the problematic conversations and the condescending looks. (all of which I find extremely ironic) At least until she grows out of them and becomes the nice person she used to be.
I will also escape my house at the first sign of parental conflict, as I did yesterday when my newly arrived mother and my step father started arguing in MY living room. (so disrespectful, i mean, I don't even have a bedroom and they go argue in my living room)

Resolution number seven:
-I will have a blast in florida. As much fun as I can have, i will get golden by the beach, dress up a bit everyday, help out, and just relax and enjoy myself. Disregarding anything that has to do with the first part of resolution 6.

Resolution number eight:
-I know what it is, and I will do it damnit!

Resolution number nine:
-I WILL do what I promised I would do and SAVE money this summer. At least reach the four digits before summer is over. I will be in dire need of money spring semester in Paris!!!!! woooo!!!!!

and....(for now)

Resolution number ten:
Survive the summer.
Which is proving to be a lot more difficult than I thought.

Dream Interpretation Series: The wave

2008-06-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a very strange dream... very poignant in an enigmatic way.
I always have the strangest dreams, but this one seemed special, and full of meaning so I decided to try and interpret it.

The dream, as many others do, starts at a resort, during a vacation.
I am minding my own business, and eating, i think it was orange chicken and rice.
And all of a sudden, the food starts shaking. (this actually happened last night, my sister was shaking the table with her foot)
and then all of a sudden there's an earthquake!
A very mild one, to my dreams' standards.
And We start evacuating the building.
My sister decides to take the elevator just minutes before the earthquake starts, so I'm extremely afraid for her, but go down the stairs myself.
The island we vacation in is extremely small, barely enough space for a couple of buildings and beaches on either side.
Everyone that was at the hotel is now down by the shore... the ocean has receded significantly... which means a wave is coming.

So while everyone is congregating downstairs, quite panicky by now that they've realized the enormity of the situation, there's a guy handing out T-shirts of all different sizes to everyone, one of each. there are about 4 different designs to choose from, this is very weird... I found it extremely odd.

So the tension builds and everyone get's scared, there is not way to get out of this tiny island/grave.
Someone calls out that they see the wave approaching on the other side!
The side that we weren't looking at... the side we didn't expect the wave to come from.
And the wave is huge! it looks way taller than our many-story building.
It's coming closer and closer and I could hear panicked screams and people hugging and me, I'm freaking out big time, but I think my family is there with me, so I'm not as worried.
Finally, the wave approaches and hits the place we were, and to my surprise, the wave barely grazes our knees!
It was huge less than a half a mile ago, but when it reached me, it turned into a little tiny baby wave.
Everyone was extremely relieved and happy with the turn of events.

MY INTERPRETATION:
Just when I think the storm has passed I will get another shakedown, another situation that will attempt to complicate my life.
People to look out for is my sister; she clearly didn't make the right decision in my dream.
the t-shirts? i don't know
The island symbolizes my safe place, a place where I retreat when I want peace.
But it's tiny, so it means I barely get any peace.
The wave... that's the result of the shakedown, a problem, circumstance or situation that will seem impossible, that will seem unconquerable.
However, it will be no more than a slight disturbance when it passes, when it reaches me, it will not affect me or kill me or anything of the sort.
My place of peace will remain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And here ends my dream interpretation sequence.

Book review series- The Host (etc)

2008-06-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

contains lots of spoilers!!!!!

Much pramble was made for this novel by worldwide best seller Stephenie Meyer.
(The brilliant mind behind the twilight trilogy)
I pre-ordered it back when it was still not out, when I had just taken my first dip in the twilight ocean.

The book spent many weeks on the side, because I had other books to finish before it.
Last week I finally decided to start reading it.
It took me on a rollercoaster of feelings ranging from incredulity to amazement.
The prologue is extremely confusing... Stephenie introduces a Healer, a sort of doctor for this futuristic version of humanity, which now features an invading soul.
Meyer gave a character named "Fords Deep Waters" a lot of importance in the first chapter, and this is exactly when my feelings of wtf-ness started to set in.
Fords deep waters, such a strange name, for a "human"
it is later in the book that we realize that the Host bodies inhabited by these "souls" do not possess human names, they are not named in our way, but in the way the souls had been named in previous Hosts, in previous worlds.

The first chapter describes the insertion of the new soul... a legendary soul who has been in many other worlds and has lived many other lifetimes as different species of beings. They call this soul "Wanderer".
The insertion goes well, except for the expectations the healer has about this body. The body had been that of a human, pure human, one of the few remaining humans still uninhabited by souls. It had been captured and healed from a suicide attempt that had left it almost destroyed.
Wandered is inserted into the body of Melanie, and when she wakes up, the memories of her "own" gruesome death hit her hard.

Wanderer soon discovers that those terrifying memories aren't the only things in her head.
Melanie is alive inside her, the consciousness of the human body she occupies plagues Wanderer's own stream of consciousness (vassy<3)
Soon Wanderer starts to have inner conversations with melanie, who at first is an extremely hostile host and resents her from stealing her body. Melanie starts erecting mental walls around information she wants to keep hidden, but Wanderer soon sees past this.
Wanderer seeks help, because the fact that Melanie is alive is not common among host insertions, so she goes to a conforter (their version of shrinks) and is assigned a Seeker (no, not the cool Harry Potter ones, but their version of law enforcers)This seeker seems intent on harassing Wanderer about her Melanie problem, but soon Wanderer's mind drifts away from the fact that Melanie is present because she begins to deal with the myriad of feelings within herself that Melanie has awoken.
Wanderer starts to feel extremely worried, at first Melanie blocks this out, but soon Wanderer finds out about Jamie, Melanie's young brother and Jared, Melanie's lover.
Melanie expects Wanderer to give up the locations of these two survivors, as other souls always do, but Wanderer is shocked to realize that she loves these two men, despite not knowing them. Through Melanie's memories she has come to care for both of them and would rather die than bring harm to either one of them. After a while of living on her own, Wanderer has developed a bond with Melanie, and one day decides to escape her original route to go see if she can find Jamie and Jared.

(small background on Wanderer's world)
The souls that take over human bodies are very advanced in medicine and technology, they are extremely peaceful and trusting and cannot understand the barbarism of humanity.

Wanderer and Melanie (reconciled in a way)go to the desert to find Jamie and Jared, (after running away from the seeker) and are found by Melanie's uncle Jeb in the desert almost dead from dehydration and starvation. Jeb takes her/them to his little mountain hidden complex, in which he has about 35 humans living in hiding (pure humans) in this pseudo community.
The welcome isn't good at all, almost everyone treats Wanderer with a nasty hostility and in the most inhumane way possible.
Jeb is the only one who shows compassion for the body of melanie, now inhabited by the Wanderer soul.
Jared, is outraged and disgusted at seeing Melanie's body with the telltale signs of soul invasion (shiny silvery orb around the eyes, insertion scar on the neck)
It is a very difficult situation for Wanderer... many people attempt to kill her during her first week at the caves, Jeb leaves the decision to destroy Wanderer to Jared.
After some weird and uncomfortable days, Jared and a few others go on raids, to get supplies.
Many people in the community are still hesitant, but Jeb finally forces them to coexist with Wanderer, now nicknamed "Wanda" and Jamie is extremely attached to her. Ian, one of her former assailants, also takes up the role of protector.
A good number of people in the community warm up to her, mostly because of her storytelling. She tells them stories about the many different worlds she's been in. Like the flower world, the fire world, the ice bear world, the spider world, and the blind musical bat world. (weird, i know)
When the raiders come back and see the bonds formed with Wanda, they are outraged, Jared threatens to kill Wanda but Jeb tells him that Jamie has a choice too.
They learn to live together, there is still mistrust but Wanda is accepted as one of their own.
Wanda's positive qualities soon make her very dear among the community, Jared and her have a strange relationship... While Wanda loves Jared despite being terrified of him, Jared loves Melanie inside of Wanda and treats Wanda as a sort of friend. There is sexual tension between them however.
This Meyer lady adores love triangles, well, in this case, love squares.
Ian has grown extremely attached to Wanda, not Melanie. He loves the soul inside and her gentleness and love for others. Jared and Ian are both in love with a different side of Wanda, and she loves Jared in an elemental way because of Melanie. She can't help but be warm towards Ian, she has her own confusing set of feelings towards him.
Jamie gets sick one day, after a raid, and Wanda needs to save him... she proposes to go and obtain soul medicines (which heal completely instead of treating the symptoms) but the group doesn't trust her that much and won't let her go.
Jared helps her escape, for he loves Jamie as well, and she makes him hurt her badly i order to be credible. Wanda steals medicine and goes back and heals Jamie, thus gaining the respect and the unconditional trust.
From then on, Wanda is the star of the raids, her soul status gives her easy access to many facilities and goods.
She heightens their quality of life and is an integral part of the community.
During one of their raids, The seeker is captured and brought to the caves.
Wanda's alien compassion won't allow for her murder, so she gives up the most valuable piece of information up to the humans so that the seeker may live.
She teaches them how to safely remove a soul from a human host without harming either, and how to sent the soul into outer space to go infiltrate other hosts in other planets. Wanda realizes that by giving up this information she is in fact ending her own life.
She resolves to give Melanie her body back.
Jared is ecstatic, but Ian is outraged! Ian is deeply in love with Wanda, and she realizes she really loves him too, not in the vicarious way she loves Jared.
After saying her goodbyes (except to Jamie) (and omg the making out with Jared and Ian)
Wanda tells Doc that this is her planet and she doesn't want to go into another one, she wants to be buried next to Walter and Wes, two of her friends from the caves that died.
They perform the procedure, and the next thing we know... The humans had saved Wanda! they implanted her in a different body, one that grew up as a soul, from birth, with no previous memories.

The ending is happy, she ends up with Ian and the story finishes during a raid... they see something that gives them hope, a soul couple raising and loving a purely human child, also, they all meet another group of pure humans that also have a soul as a friend.

Overall a very good book.
the imagery and the story haunted me for a couple of days, it's a very different book from many others I've read and I found it challenging and passionate.
Good job stephenie!

The Explanation

2008-06-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

On why Edward Cullen is perfect, by TwilightGuy.

"So many guys these days can just tell girls what they want to hear, like a fake-Edward, in order to get what they want, and use shallow words to make it seem that they mean what they are saying. But the sincerity of Edward’s feelings towards Bella goes far beyond mere words or etiquette: he really does think about her all the time, and it’s the little things like his music that are a reflection of that fact."

Torn?

2008-06-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for the moment in which the guilt and regret start waving their way through me,
you know, the usual chest constriction, 'wtf-did-i-do?' feeling.
well... i don't think its coming.
been waiting for it the whole day.
I just can't make myself believe that what I did is wrong.
It's not.
I meant it... in my own weird way, I meant it,
It's been like this many many times.
I decide something,
and then weakness and want and longing kind of make me back down on my purposes.
but this time...
how do i explain it?
i feel like there's two entities inside me.
Hopeful!Me and Resolved!Me
hopeful me has had other roles as well, emo-me, lovesick-me, missish-me
but now it's just a very diluted combination of them all.
Resolved me, or commonsense-me has decided to smother her with a nice fluffy pillow
I've had her smothered for quite a while,
it's getting tired of screaming and crying.
So now I'm facing the results:
A very quiet mind.
Now both of them back me up on my "decisions"
it's quite refreshing.

I have found out a fool-proof way to get myself out of sadness and depression.
Instead of trying to better things,
I just ride the wave,
I smother my feelings and ignore them.
And after a while, I believe myself, that they're gone
and they go away.

Going to the gym is paying off,
my pants are falling off me...
woot! <3

I spoke WAY too soon

2008-06-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

I predicted things to be close to perfect for my lovely summer at home...

WRONG!

Oh... and how wrong!

My mother left in a rush to Peru because my Grandma's health took a bad turn. She's still fighting for her life as we speak. Mom needed assistance with the trip and that left me with money problems.
My lovely and well-behaved sister isn't so lovely and well-behaved.
I still love the girl, but she's taking the term "teenager" and all its cliches to whole new heights.
Mom's gone, so I had to step in and take care of the household and pick up after all the messes left behind.
The stress caused me to get sick and develop a very different impression of my sibling.
Now I'm starting to understand why sometimes brothers and sisters aren't really a part of each other's adult lives. (not always the case)
It's because you're forced to be born in the same family, but you're totally not compatible.
You don't like the person they become after the cuteness of childhood fades away and you cannot do a damn thing to get away from them, from the toxicity of the environment, because they live under your roof (albeit temporarily)
I was even thinking about moving out.
The way the stress of home affects me isn't nice,
it makes me into a different person.
I hate it when people bring out negative qualities in me and then blame me for them.
"oh... you're too jealous"
well then don't cheat to begin with! don't give me a reason!
"you're too strict, you're not a good sister"
If being a good sister means sitting down and watching as you self destruct, then no, I'm not a good sister. Being a sister doesn't mean that I have to support or put up with things that are wrong or a irresponsible lifestyle. So count me out!
"you're a nerd"
it's not my fault if reading seems like an alien activity to you, neither is the fact that you don't understand the very normal words I use to communicate.
"you're too arrogant, your life is perfect"
The fact that I don't have major problems in my own life is due to the fact that I have been careful with my own lifestyle and denied myself the frivolities that cause all these teenage problems. I sacrificed a lot in order to have what I have, and it's not fair to hold that against me.
"you're weird"
DEAL WITH IT! I am my own person, and that's got me far.
"you're too bitter, you don't know how to have fun"
I am the product of an unstable household and irresponsible parents, I have always acted way beyond my age and assumed responsibilities that did not belong to me. I've been through a lot of situations that normal 20 year olds shouldn't go through and I am the way I am because of them. It's so unfair to blame me for something that was imposed on me since the beginning.

Don't you realize?
there's a whole other world in which I fit better, a world that doesn't consider me weird, or a nerd, or arrogant.
Being at home, I'm out of my element, and I stick out, yeah, but it's not my doing.

Manuel is being a super helpful papa bear figure, and I will forever be grateful for all his help, I would have gone crazy without it.
Things have settled down, I guess, and work has been stressful.
I wake up waay too early, Gym for about an hour and a half to 2 hours, and then work 8 and a half hours.
Thanks to the newest addition to our family:
My puppy Aslan Puppyfasio Alegria Richards
I barely get any sleep. My "bed" is right by his bed, and he cries and whines all night long.
I go to sleep super early, reading, my favorite pastime, has become too hard on my eyes when I'm too tired.
Money is evaporating. The heat is bothering me.

It just hasn't been a good summer so far.

The only positive things in my summer are my friends.
Hanging out with people during the week and on the weekends gets me away from home and for a few precious hours I feel like myself again.
Mellow, relaxed, funny even.

I guess another half positive, half negative thing is the current way I regard my personal/romantic life.

I'm finally at the point where being single is the norm.
When I get hit by memories, they feel foreign...
I cannot picture myself acting the same way
I cannot picture things ever being like that
I cannot picture going back, in any way,
I get days where the longing is strong, and the need to hold someone is overwhelming...
but the face of that someone is unknown.
I get days where I cannot wait for the future and whatever comes with it...
Whatever feelings I had have a VERY faint hold on me.
I think they're turning into mere memories.
I don't know.
I guess the uncertainty is a good sign, right?
I think it is.
Things are gonna be complicated for a bit still...
but at least I think I'm ok with the path, whatever chunk of it I'm seeing.

Summer Commencement :)

2008-05-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

The highly elusive summer is finally here!
All remnants of school and sophomore year are over,
although working at USC will not ease the feeling of being there.
My summer won't be as new because of this.
But it's ok...
as the rest of my life nowadays,
my summer will be one of sacrifice.
I am working hard now,
so I can party le hard later.

Commencement at USC was today...
wow...
today it hit me,
I will graduate in two years.
Half my time at USC is over.
That is shocking and unacceptable.
Even though my social life at SC isn't necessarily riveting,
i have grown extremely attached to my Trojan way of life.
The lush green parks, the hogwartsy buildings,
the pretty people, the friendly atmosphere,
the sheer sophistication of walking from class to class,
the beauty of the campus and the vast knowledge I find there.
I love my USC.
It was the best choice ever!
And I can't believe it's halfway done :(
What looms behind the commencement horizon?
The "real" world?
What exactly will that be?
when my brains can't support me anymore
(scholarships are awesome)
when I have to start paying rent and supporting myself.
I'm extremely hard working, so I know I won't have trouble with the work.
just with finding it...
I wonder what kind of people will be in my life then
will I have the same friends?

Ehhhh... thinking. Not good right now.
It's finally time to relax.
Work on monday, but thankfully, that is it!
I will be free to read, and sleep and dream.
And slowly try to reach for my summer dreams.

:) now if the heat disappeared, life would be perfect!

Sophomore no more!

2008-05-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

After a very stressful and zombie-ish week...
in which i was incomunicada, estresada and super duper asada:
ladies and gentlemen...
I am DONE with FINALS!!!!!!

(still got arts of latin america on monday but who gives a fuck.)

Soooooo...
I'm pretty much all moved out now.
(quite relieved mom didn't find some of the evidence laying in my room)
will this never end?
i feel like if someone told me beforehand what falling in love would do to me, I would have never ever talked to one fucking boy in my entire life.

*sigh*

too much life to live for me to be worrying about this... two years of my life will seem like nothing pretty soon.

Can't wait for florida... Ima get a massive tan.
Have a blast.

and then... work work work to save money for paris!
january... fuckkkk i can't wait!
I think that will be the time for a fling.
I needs me a boy to kiss by the seine...
to hold me as we look at paris from la tour eiffel.
definitely time for a fling.

My heart just skipped like four beats,
shut up heart,
ure not playing anymore.
ure sitting in the bench from now on.
>:-]

I will miss Natalia and Vassy...
if not for them I would have gone INSANE in this hellhole.

Bonifasia :)
and Bonifasio 2 aka new puppy
and murdering foolia
and couchsito
and momi food
and work at DRC
and work at VKC
and GYM
and TAN
and BEACH
and reading... (omfg-twilight!!!)
and movies... (sex n the cityyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!)
i just can't wait
I need a change

I need a change!!!!!!!
red hair? yes?
and none of *that*
no more.
I need a change...
for the sake of the rest of my life
this cannot take another beautiful year of my perfect life.
(unless it were to make it better, which it isnt)
so much potential...
ahhh...
no. no more

Maco needs sleep.
She's thinking too much.

Can't fucking wait!

2008-05-05T01:23:00.001-07:00

My goals for this summer:

2008-05-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

1. Lose the 20 lbs I gained this year.
(moving into my house again will help me achieve this goal, so will the daily gymming)
2. Save over 2,000 for Traveling/living during spring in Paris.
(doable. I can still keep some for summer expenses)
3. Get a tan... everywhere.
(doable as well. florida last two weeks of june will help)
4. Hang out with friends.
(priority: Karen, Cintya, Anna, Vane, Henry, Heather)
5. Buy remaining furniture.
(couch and dining table halfsies with kate, my desk, decorations)
6. Buy the item of clothing I promised myself.
(see summer expenses)
7. Do some emotional summer cleaning.
(no comment)
8. Dye hair back to red.
(too cool)
9. Buy some more clothes.
(summer expenses again)

more to come

Mein herz brennt...

2008-05-01T02:13:00.001-07:00

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What will it take?

2008-04-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the only way for this to be over would be to just literally get away, distance myself from the links to my past.
That's something I don't think I could do, however...
What I need... is some validation.
Someone to tell me that what I did is right, that I did not act irrationally, that I am in my right to have done that, and that whatever action coming from me was well-deserved.
I need someone to tell me I took the right path, that I should be the one to feel offended, that not bridging whatever problem was the right course... that somethings just can't be fixed and that I don't need to do anything but what I'm already doing.

Of course when I tell that to myself, I never believe it...

In other, more tragic news,
My grandma got really sick this weekend...
She lives in Peru so we can't even visit her :(
She had a stroke, aneurysm, cardiac arrest, bronchitis and hypertension all at once.
My family is all very sad... but she's recovering against the odds, which is truly a miracle.

The heat was another hot topic this weekend...
over 100 degrees...

Slept over at Karen's and cooked the next day for Elda's party.
The lasagnas came out amazing, same with the ice cream cake
The whole day was very tiring but very nice.
Elda was happy and I had a good time.

Things are going well, I guess...
Apparently my attempt to ignore and detach didn't quite work.
I need a change!!!!!!!!!!
I need something... anything...
I feel like life is very stagnant at the moment.
While everyone and their moms move ahead.
How do I get rid of all these negative feelings when the negative people stay at the periphery of my life?

My strategy of containment won't work as well, because the intermediaries keep the threat alive, the influence has already dominoed and spread into completely peaceful actors... tainting the purity of the international intentions.
My strategy of isolationism won't work, because I simply am too dependent on international trade and my alliances with certain neutral actors are wayyy to important and too much of a personal interest.
My grand strategy keeps on being compromised because my credibility is going low...
I say I will do something, keep to a certain resolution and policy,
and then I get coaxed by some very well-planned diplomatic intervention into giving in... and even when I don't... the other side begs for aid and I am too much of a benevolent hegemon to deny.

*sigh*

I should have massively retaliated when I had the chance... I would have probably alienated some actors, but I probably wouldn't have been in this weird position of possible amicable talks and treaties.
I am a world power damnit!
I am the fucking US... I don't need to trade and i don't need to ally, i just do it because it's healthy for the international community, and because, as the unitary power, I have the duty of reaching out to the lesser states.
I'm extremely possessive of my international interests, however, and I don't plan on relinquishing my alliances with any western state.
In they in turn want to engage in negotiations with the antagonist states, then that's too much their own problem.
I feel like joining the UN along with enemy states is too much of a stretch.
Maybe I should relocate to another planet. In which I will reign supreme along with peaceful states. We will reach for a utopian community in which everyone is happy, and in which I am the number one ruler of MY world.

Surveyness

2008-04-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

do you like the person you are becoming?
I love who I am... but I don't like how I react to certain situations, I'm too weak and my self esteem needs to be higher.

do you currently find yourself to look cute?
nope... not at all

what do you want for Christmas/ or your next birthday?
For christmas... a decent calm and relaxed holiday, cruise plans to work out.
For my bday... money! hehe... happiness in a box please?

did you ever call anyone "darling"?
Not seriously

has anyone ever called you perfect before?
yes actually :) and i believed for a while

do you play an instrument?:
i can play the maracas! and the tambourine! lol

whose funeral would you never attend?
famous people funerals

do you only reveal to people what you want them to see?
I know what to reveal to certain people... I'm very reserved until i open up.

does it annoy you to see trashy girls get all the guys?
Nope... because they just discard them right after :)

are you okay with making a total fool of yourself?
Not at all... I get very red

what song is stuck in your head?
Five dollar foot loooooooong (subway)

are you obnoxious?
Not at all, I would never use that word to describe myself

can you name three songs by the Beatles?
Hey Jude, Here comes the sun, I want to hold your hand

are you regretting something now?
I think I will always carry regrets with me. So yeah... it's tucked right under my right arm

do lectures bore you?
Depends on the subject. No lectures for my major or minors ever bore me.

did anybody ever call you beautiful?
Yes!

what is the nearest book to you called?:
Midnighters

do you consider yourself sexy?
nah... not at all

are you passive or aggressive?
I know when to be each

someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
i dont care but he better be hot.

your boss tells you he/she will give you a $20 raise if you’ll do your job naked?
why would he care? hes gay!

ever seen a ghost?
never

a place you’ve lived that you miss?
Limaaaaaaa

a person that you miss?
My dad

a singer/group you thought was cool when you were little?
Spice girlssssssss

wanna have kids before you’re 30?
Yes, I want to

do you look more like your mom or dad?
i look a lot like my mom

something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do?
play a real instrument, fall out of love quickly

last item you bought yourself?
Caesar salad at RTH last night

whats the best food for breakfast?
spinach and cheese omelettes, fried eggs

live at your parents?
Nope!

how many hours of sleep do you get a night?
6 to 7

what do you wish you were doing?
I'm right where i want to be tonight

name something you have to do tomorrow?
cook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what cd is currently in your cd player?:
uh... 90s much? I have le ipod

can you whistle?
yes

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
a tattoo maybe. down the line

do you get along better with boys or girls?
I used to get along with boys well until some time ago.
I've always gotten along great with girls!

do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Side

who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mom probably

who was your last text from?
Vasselina

what did it say?
Addicted is the word

If I were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be:
a book, dancing shoes and chocolate

I have an irrational fear of:
earthquakes. But i refuse to call it irrational

What type of food do you eat at your grandparents house?
Peruvian food! yum!

What did you do yesterday?
I was at work all day, then night lecture

What would you do if you were stranded on an island with the person you hate?
if he's a guy, i'd have passionate hate sex with him, like in the movies.
if she was a girl, i'd put her on a boat while shes sleeping and push her offshore :)

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
At this point of my life it would not surprise me. I'd merely make him feel like shit about himself, tell him/show him what he missed out on and leave him.

Do you stalk anyone on myspace?
I don't ever go on myspace

I find the thought of childbirth:
Painful but worth experiencing

Next door to my house is:
parkside apartments and gate 1

My feet are:
pretty

Know how to cook?
very well :)

I am annoyed with:
the male half of the world's population

Name one of the Spice Girls:
Ginger!!!!

What was the last thing to make you cry?
some very fucking evil text messages someone sent me... ugh! idiot!

What are the stems on wine glasses for?
to wrap my pretty hand alll around it

My favorite shoes are?
lovelovelove my brown pattern steve madden shoes.

Can you use chopsticks?
nah... whats the point? theres forks

Do you prefer beaches or forests?
beaches of course

What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
all of them... thats my second irrational fear, although this one is even less irrational than earthquakes

Who knows a secret or two about you?
Oh god... he knows them all. My girlfriends know some.
But I'm a good girl, I don't have any dirty secrets :)

Have you ever burned yourself?
yeah... curling irons

Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
no one... and if they are, wow... how cool am i? its past midnight and they're talking about me?

Who is your hero?
captain planet

Where is your brother right now?
i dont have one

Do you believe in things that last forever?
diamonds last forever.

What are you listening to?
miranda and carrie

What do you smell like right now?
like me :) i like that smell

Are you married?
nope

If I look in your glove box, what will I find?
don't have a carrrr

What jewelery are you wearing?
none

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
for being such a book-nerd

When was the last time you saw the second person on your top?
im seeing her right nowwwww karenface!

What is in your pocket right now?
no pockets in my pjs :)

Where was your default picture taken?
avalon hollywood

Who do you know that is in jail?
lol... no one right now

What was for breakfast this morning?
double chocolate milanos

Something irritating about your living situations:
i'm sick about being in that little half room! and the mealplan sucks!

Where are you right now?
Karenface's room :)

What was the most interesting thing that happened today?
I got my check

Your current relationship status?
single

When was the last time you got blood taken and why?
hospital... sometime last year?

Of your friends, who has the best boobs?
um... i don't know...

What were you doing at midnight last night?
watching sex and the city

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
nope. not anymore.

What were you doing 3 hours ago?
i was here with karen, i think

What's for dinner tonight?
i had some pizza

What was the highlight of your week?
nothing. playing with neconejo maybe

Taken any medicine lately and for what?
tummy meds

Would you rather have straws for legs or slinkies for arms?
slinkies for arms how fun!

Of your friends, whose car do you want?
idk, some usc person's mercedes or audi or something

What is the last issue you thought about?
elections and its impact on future international security

Are you spoiled?
i don't have anyone to spoil me, I always try spoiling myself just a bit.

What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
don't... wanna... go.... to... section...

Something you dream about most of the time?
amazing epic adventures of all kinds

What was the last thing you got in the mail?
my radiohead ticketsssssss

Tomorrow..?
cookinggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

Who/What do you sleep with every night?
myself. its enough :(

Have you met anyone new in the past 24 hours?
probably someone from school of theatre

What are you doing after this?
probably sleeping

The person you like is on the phone for 5 seconds, what do you say to him/her?
hey, how are you?

What will you be doing at 8pm tomorrow?
sleeping, hopefully

What are you saving your money up for right now?
credit card bills

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was, but life quickly changed that

How about now?
not happy... at all...

Do you eat candy on a daily basis?
chocolate :)

Who was the last person you ate with?
karennnnn

Are you currently taking a science class in school?
political science :)

Kiss on the first date?
no. well... maybe, if it feels right

Would you rather have chicken or steak?
chicken

What were you doing at 10 am?
biking to work

Are you different now than you were six months ago?
oh god yes. complete 360

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
water

How old will you be in 10 months?
21

Who was the last person to text you?
Vassy

What month is your birthday in?
August

Can you live a day without tv?
yea

When was the last time you saw your dad?
:( august of last yr

How many houses have you lived in?
too many to count

How many city/towns have you lived in?
5

Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
depends on the weather

What would happen if you mix the same amounts of all the different colors together? What color would that be?
some weird murky brown

What are you doing for your next birthday?
im going to see radioheadd!! lol, but on my bday dinner party/club party/drinking sessions with random people

What are you thinking about right now?
believe me... you don't want to know

Any plans for next weekend?
finals!!!

Do you smile a lot?
Sadly, not as often as I would want

Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?
nope

What do you want to be when you grow up?
happy, rich, a mom, the love of someone's life

Do you like flying or driving?
neither

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
no

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
other people

Do you wear any jewelry daily?
nah

Who got you the jewelry you are currently wearing?
no one

Who is the funniest person you know?
i dont know anyone funny

How often do you remember your dreams?
every morning!!!!

What is your ringtone?
moonlight party for texts, world hold on for calls

Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
yuck.

Are you mad about anything?
why get mad when i can get even? haha

What time did you go to sleep last night?
2ish

Where did you last sleep besides your own bed?
in my bed/couch at home. (i sleep in the couch)

Being gyped with the city

2008-04-25T01:41:00.000-07:00

In life there are substitutes for everything.
There is sweetener to replace sugar,
there is generic medicine,
there is faux fur, and pleather, and virgin drinks, and diet soda, and storebrand items and cubic zirconium, and designer knock offs.
There is always something to take the edge of the sheer unattainability of life.
So life finds me now using my own sort of replacement, in place of the things in life I long to have.
It's been an interesting week...
exhaustion has won every single battle... every single day.
Feels like the influence of school is slowly ebbing away...
slipping away from my fingers.
I could tell I'm not the only one, as half my classes were empty in the past few days.
I am one foucault sex paper away from finals.
And I am four finals away from summer.
I have a feeling this will be a good one...
(good by regular standards, because my standards cannot possible stand anymore)
Sex and the City marathon...
such insight about life...
I complain about Cana seeing life like an 18 yr old...
While I, in the periphery of her view, observe my own life as a 20 year old would.
With the freshness of inexperience, uncertainty and hesitance.
Maybe I should step away and project myself a couple of years forward...
start having more grown-up thoughts...
I think I'm starting to...
Nothing is black and white, nothing is fleeting or forever,
nothing is written in stone and nothing can faze me.
Not if I don't let it.
So while the more physiological factors cannot be ignored... the emotional ones will be seriously downplayed from now on.
In 2 more years, things will only be a blur.
In 5 years, I will barely even remember.
So why the worries and the insecurities and the self-esteem issues?
Is it that as 20 yr olds, we can't see the world in anything but the rose-tinted glasses of youth?
I had it all wrong all along.
But while I right my wrongs, I have my substitutes,
sex and the city, chocolate and my own twisted little mind, which never fails to entertain me. Or keep me amused with its vast storage and playback capacity.
Memories don't hurt anymore...
finally!

Relax baby, I know how it ends.

2008-04-23T01:37:00.000-07:00

So today... I felt like I was sleepwalking.
I had absolutely no energy for anything!
I couldn't wake up for work, so I was an hour late,
once at work it was hard to focus, hard to do anything really
after making a huuuuge mistake
(necessary mistake, might i add)
I had an extremely fattening lunch at Carls Jr.
and I didn't feel one bit guilty about it
because as far as happiness goes, I need all I can get.
I finally had to leave work early because I could not stand straight any longer...
why the fuck am I so tired all of a sudden?
Maybe my weekend had something to do with it...
25 pages in 48 hours... sitting on a couch for an entire weekend.
I was soooo ridiculously busy this weekend I barely had time to eat or sleep
(red bull was my best friend this weekend)
monday i crashed as soon as i got back from class.
I got an A in my second sex midterm... i must be really good at it huh?
lol...
I was talking to my sexual innuendo buddy last night,
Brent... oh god the fun I have when I talk to him. lol
but I wouldn't want to meet up for lunch or anything,
I mean... great online chemistry should not be jeopardized,
especially when we have so much fun just talking.
OMG I'm craving some pizza....
lol
ok
anyways
I'm extremely tired lately, and sore cos of the gym.
I did some weight machines, and I'm sore in muscles that I didn't even know I had.
(walking was a bit painful all day as well)
so today was very sucky, but I found the positive side of it, as I always do.
Tomorrow will undoubtedly feel better.
I'm gonna go home for a while and play with my Bonifasia :)
my baby bunny
(yes, that's her name)

No more...

2008-04-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

25 pages --> 48 hrs
weak
tired
sad
words=bad
maco=weak
sleep...
miss...
:(

We need balloons, not anvils!

2008-04-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

Oh man....

I remember... It all comes back to me when someone goes through something similar.

The smiles and butterflies turn evil after a while...
and its usually cause of the guy's stupidity.
They usually feel "tied down" that the relationship is "too serious"
and that they just want to enjoy their "college life" now.
Ha.
What they don't know is,
it's really hard to find a perfect match.
Someone who will lift you up, instead of drag u down.
Someone who puts up with your incredibly obvious flaws, and who loves you for every single molecule you are.... instead of wanting to change you into something you are not.
they never realize how lucky they were to even catch the girl's attention.
How much better they have become because of her... her patience, her love.
So they become better people, and once they do... they believe that maybe... just maybe they can aim for something "better"
(and by better i mean hotter, skankier, louder, easier)
and they... when the sad reality hits them... that they really were pushing their luck with the first one... that they probably will never achieve that point of comfort and rightness with anyone else, because its not HER...
(the other ones won't laugh at your lame jokes... the other ones won't take care of you when youre sick, they won't lift you up when ure low, or support u in all your decisions, or get your weird personalities, or fit with u the way she did)
then they do all in their power to try to crawl back... assure her that they will be better this time... they will not take her for granted, they will treat her as the princess she is, with the care she deserved.
But it's usually too late...
because now she knows how strong she really is... if she can change a piece of charcoal into a rough diamond. (you're very rough still boys, don't u see?)
then maybe if she started out with a rough diamond and gave it the same treatment she gave you... she can end up with the most beautiful and shiniest gem in the world.
Someone who can shine alongside her, someone who can balloon her up for once... someone who lifts her up and fills her up.
Someone who is worthy of the unbounded love she always gave you and you didn't know how to keep.
someone who makes her laugh, who makes her better! who polishes her qualities and softens up her flaws.
Someone who won't hurt her like you did.

and if by any chance you do find someone "better"
congratulations to you.
May you always wonder "what if" and may you treat the new one better than you treated HER.
But you will always be responsible for the crack in her heart... no matter how much time passes by.

That's the story of several relationships I've encountered in the past 4 years...
all the same... same patterns keep repeating.
and you stupid boys still don't get it!
why would you bite the hand that feeds you?
why would you stab the one that loves you?

Dreams

2008-04-15T22:47:00.001-07:00

I miss how you would share your dreams with me...
(dreams of the future?)
Epic dreams of comfort and tribulations and obstacles and happily ever afters.
the stuff of my own dreams... my childhood illusions, my romanticized ideas of life and love and friendship, shining through you eyes... spun by your words into tales of beauty.
I would listen and daydream, imagining every kiss, every word of devotion, every promise we made in your fantasy dream world... hoping real life might hold some of that same enchantment... someday.
through your words i enacted the most far-fetched scenarios...
the stuff of fiction books, a ball, a walk in the beach, love declarations on moonlit hilltops, two strangers meeting, a princess and a pauper, friends, siblings, lovers, soulmates, one.
Dreams in which at the end of the day it was just me and you... coming home to each other, sharing everything with each other, overcoming every obstacle with the power of young love.
And always latent...
The magical realism of knowing that every single feeling evoked by those fantasy scenes was the same as everything you made me feel in flesh and blood.
Content, cherished, cared for, complete, accepted, overjoyed, enlightened, loved.
Loved...
I recall those wispy dreams with nothing but smiles...
a time of my life when your dreams were mine, when your hopes were mine, when your tears and smiles were mine.
When you were mine.
And the same as a dream, I awoke to a new reality.
But regrets were never my thing.
Your dreams enriched me from the inside... made me into someone stronger... someone who now dreams on her own.
And my dreams...
:) And my dreams are just fine with me as protagonist and supporting actress and villain and extra.
My dreams are just mine now... for now.

Long Weekend

2008-04-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Friday night- Avalon (Me, Karen, Cana and vassy)
got three or four hours of sleep.
woke at 7:30 for the school of theatre event.
worked outdoors in the 93 degree weather... then came back home,
got ready and went to sruti's culture show,
which lasted an hour more than it should have.
lupe fiasco concert afterwards.
and today i went to lacma with karen and cana.
im exhausted! my legs are sore from all the dancing and walking.
im also very emo. so i wont write about any emotional upheaval right now.
my feelings and thoughts are better left inside my head.
It was a fun weekend though.
I wish the happiness wasn't so superficial.

Los recuerdos no matan mi fe

2008-04-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

I want to go back,
and I want to go forward,

I want to go back to my innocence, my illusions, my faith.
I want to go forward to a point where certain things don't hurt,
to the point where I can look back at everything I've been to,
and smile.
learn from it, and become a better person.
(i think im in the process)

Reunion!

2008-04-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's been more than two weeks since my computer stopped working... devoid of my one loyal friend, I found myself leaning towards menial tasks... such as TV and... homework.
yes, you heard me right.
Reading for classes and writing papers and doing homework.
Mainly, I became a TV whore. Longing for the days when I would sit comfortably in my bed and look at the bright LCD (which was replaced) reading some quick love story or chatting with the occasional friend.
Those days were hard... but it was sort of a rehab. I texted a bit more. I talked on the phone, I thought... a lot. Perhaps too much.
I felt even lonelier here... without the option of IMing someone to keep myself company.
Well, those days are over :)
I got my baby back... now I guess we shall quickly summarize the few events/things that happened/went through my mind in these two-ish weeks.

-Conijandra went to prom... she looked Gorgeous!!!! she looked absolutely amazing. And she had a lot of fun. Going to pick her up to the disneyland hotel brought back a lot of memories about my own prom.
My ex wanted us to ride in a limo with a bunch of ppl i wasn't friends with, but I put my foot down!!! And it worked out perfectly (for me).
I went to prom with Karen and Jose, and Cintya and Henry, and Anna and Eddie, and Andres of course. I seriously could not have picked better people to go with. It was amazing fun. My dress was amazing (too bad mom had to give it away to some cousin in peru... grrr... my expensive dress!) the only regret I have to this day is the hair... If i would have worn it down, I would have rocked that dress... oh well, couldn't be perfect, right?
My date... well... he wasn't a dancer, and spent the night gambling, etc. But I guess the fact that he was my boyfriend made prom night that much more special, without it actually affecting it. Ehh... mixed feelings. At least we both look really good in the pictures.
And why the fuck was Jaimie in the middle of our group shot???
ugh.

anyways... cana's prom night was a success, and I got home very nostalgic for the simpler times. When the douchebaggery of people was hidden by a veil of rosy colored fluff. And when the birds and flowers clouded my vision to the point of making me completely oblivious to said douchebag behaviors.

I guess until wedding day I won't have a chance to dress up and feel special.

Another hot topic this weekend... animals.
Pets... dogs specifically.
san gabriel humane society.
one cute dog... one chizito story later... adoption denied by the biggest meanest bitch in the whole shelter.
made me cry. BITCH! ugh!

hormones are out of whack completely... Ive been crying for the weirdest shit.
I rather not talk to people too much, so I don't scare them away.

I finally gotta be doin something about that situation of mine...
I cannot keep doing this to myself.
im back where i fucking started!!!!!!!
once and for all...
i gotta be strong.
:( i dont think i am.

Spring Break Finale

2008-03-24T17:16:00.001-07:00

And so it ends.
My last weekend of spring break was extremely interesting.
I always feel so guilty after one of these weekends.
Self Indulgence to the max.
I feel bad for doing something for myself, because usually I always act according to what other people want of me.
Eh... anyways.
I ate a lot of junk food, but got some exercise too, I got to swim with my over-expensive bathing suit from freaking sears! I mean, wtf? that much money for something out of sears?
Got blisters on my feet and I got overheated and adding the missage, I am very cranky today, kinda not myself.

Tomorrow I will go to work and life will once again begin...
BLAH!!!!!!!!!!
next year I will spend spring break in Europe <3
and on that note...

Spring Break- Episode 4

2008-03-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ok...
so for the past two days this amazing song has been in my head.
Please note the sexiness and utter perfection that is shakira in a wig.

Beautiful song... it was quite popular when I was down in Peru.
It's good to see shakira back to her normal self (not the blonde bellydancing shakira)
I wanna dress like that for Halloween!

Ok... the musical part of today's post isn't really over yet,
today I was having an Emo Flashback day thanks to Pandora<3
I was listening to Thursday and Taking back sunday and Thrice and AFI and Smile Empty Soul!!!!! and I remembered happier times when I wore vans and straightened my hair every day. Good times... the times of the DDR crew and the times when life wasn't complicated. Good times...
Yeah, so those songs remind me of some people... some I don't talk to anymore, but also Norma and Lizette, Then the station changed to Emery... and THAT reminded me of early church people, when things were really cool and I had a lot of friends and we all hung out all the time.
*sigh* good times, I'm glad to have lived it all.

OK so music part over.
Work these past few days was quite uneventful...
GYM today was hard cos I was so drained out of energy!
Hmmm... let's see, is there anything worth talking to?
nope, not really.
My hair is still fabulously red, if not as red as the first day
and I'm quite excited about the weekend...
mainly because the hormones dissipated and I feel fabulously fine again :)
I'm in dire need of some chocolate!!!!!
I'd even lower my standards and eat Crunch right now,
thats how bad I want it.

yesterday was my daddy's 60th Bday.
El sesenton reggaetonero!
how crazy!!!
well, happy bday papi :)

Tomorrow I'll be done with work!
and......

Spring Break- Episode 3

2008-03-19T01:01:00.000-07:00

Restless night.
I hate it when I go to sleep and there's something bothering me, cos my cracked out subconscious finds very 'creative' ways to deal with it through the night, namely in dreams that end up haunting me all day.

So I'm looking at myself today, and how much thinner I feel compared to the past weeekend. I'm seeing pictures of the descanso gardens and I look really bloated and round, why do I get this affected by all this girl shit like this?
blah.

Anyways... I cooked today, without actually eating any of it.
I also watched 2 eps of Maury! One about paternity tests and another one on obese babies. OMG how I love obese baby Maury!
I would like to know where all this weight is coming from, I don't eat as much!
Hopefully it goes away before this weekend starts... I got plans biatch!

About them plans... ehhh... idk. I'm def gonna try my best, but I just don't see anything to be done there. I've lost all slivers of hope, and I'm ok-ish with it.

So I took a nap after my ice cream lunch, because that's all I ate today, ice cream.
Then I went to panda with Henry, and we talked about his amazingly hollywood exciting weekend. hehe... enough about that. he dropped me off and hung out at my house for a while. he's a sweet guy, too bad there's absolutely no chemistry between us.
I mean... it's not fair of me to be a judge on chemistry... chemistry for me is like lookateachother-licklips-dropeverything-runhugkisspassionately etc etc.
Man...
yeah... I'm too too used to the sparks flying.
anyways.
I know what to do... and i know how its going down, and the good thing is... I already know when to shut up and keep things inside, so I get what I want instead of counting the chickens before they hatch :) :>

Spring Break- Episode 2

2008-03-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

So since my latest post some stuff happened...
Went to descanso gardens with Karen, and Elda, and Conijandra.
the ride over to La canada got me very motion sick...
But when we got there it was worth it!
Sooo pretty :)
I made the mistake of wearing all black, mainly because cana said I should because it made my *red hair* more striking, but seeing all those pretty flowers in bloom and all the pretty colors and the blue sky made me wish i had worn something bright and spring-y.
(Of course it doesn't help any that I have bloated up to twice my original size. Fuck I hate hormones!!)
Had a really good time with the girls, talked and walked and took pictures like crazy.
Overall had a very enjoyable morning, stopped by the chocolate box cafe, and i ask the guy, So what are the prices?
And he's all, they're two dollars a piece.
o.0 wtf? 2 bucks for a little tiny square of chocolate that I don't even know I'll like. I didn't buy anything, because they didn't have chocolate gelato at a CHOCOLATE cafe. How lame.
Went to Rocky Cola Cafe and had a ludicrous amount of fatty fast food.
Had to meditate and listen to Buddha Bar with my eyes closed to keep myself from being sick... I MUST get my eyes checked soon!!!!!!!!!!
How the fuck did my right eye get so bad in so little time???
Like, literally, over the span of two weeks my right eye deteriorated to the point that it's impossible to be without my glasses anymore.
Fucking studying ruining my already imperfect vision!!!!!! >:O

Today I woke up and figured out why I was so dizzy and bloated.
2 fucking weeks early.
I have to stop messing with my system... no more, I promise.
I slept in. Then got up and washed my clothes, then cooked a nice spanish style lunch/dinner for the family.
I watched two Maury episodes!
("I don't care what ma momma says, im gonna have a baby!")
Then I bummed it out, read and watched tv...
When I finally showered I realized some of my fabulous color washed off!!!
That made me soo sad, I loved my red hair, its still red, but not as much as before, and not as dark. Should I make it permanent?????
Went to the mall with my sis and mom and manuel.
(hate hate hate the mtb mall, ugly ugly ppl everywhere! ugly ugly stores! give me my Bev! give me my Grove! give me my Promenade!)
came home and sat, my moodiness went up... I was extremely angry!!!!!!
Passed... and henry signed on, he went on a roadtrip and his phone died, so he couldnt call me to explain the whys and hows of saturday.
He apologized sooo much, and he's all i know i was sooo mean and sooo bad etc etc.
And im all, huh?
I guess I am so fucking used to being taken for granted and disappointed, that I don't make a fuss about things anymore when they don't go my way, since they usually never do.
He said he liked the way I was, the way I didn't make a fuss about it like other girls would have.
And I guess if I got something from my past relationship was that, im so used to being disappointed and taken for granted that I don't ever say anything anymore.
I have a great deal of patience.

yay for that. going back to SC tomorrow, Henry is taking me cos he insisted he wanted to see me before I went back to work.

I hope my red hair doesn't keep fading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm out.

Spring Break- Episode 1

2008-03-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

"I know it's been a while, sweeheart, we hardly talk, I was doing my thing"

Kanye thus describes the story of my life these couple of months... trying to keep something alive with nothing but air... and distance.
It feels like death is imminent, and sadly, despite my deep deep love for this tiny thing, it feels like letting it go or holding on is not even in my hands anymore.

*sigh* now unto happier news:
My sexyness level went up about 4 or 5 points.
Got a little crazy change on my hair, and I gotta say, it looks amazing.
Funny how life is... I went to the Paul Mitchell school in Alhambra to fix those ugly highlights i had gotten, and Chris and Michelle (more about her later) decide to give me a red shine on my hair, not color, but something close like it, and i gotta say I am in love with it!! it looks really cool. I think Heather will be proud. lol.
Ok so after talking to Michelle for quite a while, she tells me her ex boyfriend went to MHS, "Henry Ramirez, do you know him?"
and omg, i was supposed to go out with him tonight! (it didnt work out, but still)
So basically we knew all the same people, and she was super nice and stuff... very shocking that she ended up being Henry's ex. I mean, I'm not exactly dating him, but we do hang out sometimes and talk often. She was super sweeeeeet, and she left me looking like a fucking rockstar, something I never thought I'd be able to pull off...

So yeah, I'm ecstatic about my new look.
lol...
tomorrow I get to go to the Descanso gardens with karenface and whoever goes along, and I'm quite excited.

I just wish one particular side of my life got solved, or improved even.
A couple hours ago I had a rather alarming dream... quite nice, but it didn't help my situation any.
It's like knowing you will have to give up your favorite food in the world forever... you know eating it will bring harm to your body, but how the fuck do you stop?
it's like drugs... after it stops being fun, and when you know yorue screwed and addicted, how do you bring yourself to just quit?

Ok, here ends my carrie Bradshaw moment.
Goodbye.

Chizito, come back!

2008-03-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

My beautiful Chizito is missing! :O

Sad sad news, I hope he turns up soon. My poor Chizo lindo :(

The day started out good, I got things done, I got a free wienerschnitzel meal (corndogssssss and fries), I got an A- on my first midterm (sex, power and politics) and I fit into my blue dress (sorta).
I had a 5 minute group meeting, then I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, and then I came back here. Changed into something comfy and went to the study group at VKC.
It was helpful, we were there for like two hours talking about Massive Retaliation, and levels of analysis and graduated deterrence and MIRVS and Peacekeepers and Nukes and test ban treaties and Kennedy and his big softy heart.
I'm feeling alright about my two midterms on wednesday.
My arts midterm is more analytical and I will be able to use my bullshitting abilities to get through it.
And when it comes to IR381, I think I know enough to do pretty well on the midterm, I may now know as much as that 40 yr old guy from front row, or like the other cold-war nerds in the class, or the nerds that do their reading every day, but I know enough.

I can't believe its 11:30 already... the day passed by reeeally quick.
I wish everything would be clear cut and laid out for u... like the 4 yr plans our advisors make. Telling u which classes youre gonna take the next four years.
I wish there was year plans like that.
You will be with this person until this date, and then starting here you will find this new person, with which you will spend x amount of time.
You will be friends with __ and you're gonna hate __.
___ and ___ will stab you in the back on this date, and this person will be your true friend.
I wish things were outlined like that... then the uncertainty and confusion wouldn't happen.

Let's talk about me and my amazing dreams.
I've been watching BBC miniseries on Netflix browse instantly.
I saw Jane Eyre, and liked it so so so much that I read the book right after. Then I watched pride and prejudice and i am halfway through mansfield park.
Last night I had a dream I was a victorian lady with a lovely gown and a lovely beau after me...
although the sexual repression wouldn't do... AT ALL...
poor women, their sole purpose was to marry, and they couldn't even enjoy the marriage bed. sad... sad...
Anyways, my dream was nice...
If I could find my own Mr. Rochester, I wouldn't care how he looked, I would love him with everything I have and I would be his life.
-"it is my spirit that addresses your spirit..."
how fucking romantic.
and look at the words coming out of fictional Mr. rochester's mouth:
-"Sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go to Ireland, with all that distance between us, I am afraid that this cord will be snapped, and I shall bleed inwardly."
And he would call her "little fairy" and sweet things like that.

And finally, this is what I want out of life:

-I have now been married ten years. I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest—blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband’s life as fully as he is mine. No woman was ever nearer to her mate than I am: ever more absolutely bone of his bone, and flesh of his flesh. I know no weariness of my Edward’s society: he knows none of mine, any more than we each do of the pulsation of the heart that beats in our separate bosoms; consequently, we are ever together. To be together is for us to be at once as free as in solitude, as gay as in company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a more animated and an audible thinking. All my confidence is bestowed on him, all his confidence is devoted to me; we are precisely suited in character—perfect concord is the result."

Jane Eyre is the bestest book ever!
(after twilight, new moon and ecclipse)

I know there's someone out there who wants the same I want...
I just gotta find him. :)

Eva Ayllon tonight!

2008-03-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am quite pleased about this...
I'm sure the concert will be amazing. :)

This started out as a great day... with the exception of my dream.
I mean, WTF?
In my dream I was living in LA with my mom and sis... but somehow the place looked like san isidro, there was a nice park by it, and the houses had that whole brick-three floor house look without the ^rooftop.
Well, anyways... there was a mild earthquake, and omg I freaked out,

(as you may or may not know I'm quite terrified and completely traumatized, due to the 8.0 2 minute earthquake in Lima August 15th, the one that surprised me and my dad,sister and dad's ex inside Wong del Ovalo Gutierrez. I have not been the same ever since)

So in my dream, there was an earthquake, so I text Andres (idk why, but I felt he needed to know, maybe cos he was soooo worried something had happened to me during the Peru earthquake) And as usual, Andres undermines the gravity of the situation and dismisses me with a "Oh, it's nothing...I head there's an even bigger one coming after that one"
Great, thanks a lot 'love' >:O
So, in my panic I persuade my family that we HAVE to pack and get out of there before the whole place collapses on top of us, but NO ONE LISTENS!
Am i the only one that knows how deadly earthquakes can be? the whole fucking ground is shaking and lurching under you, probably trying to shake us off like a wet dog, and we're just gonna stand and do nothing?

Anyway, as I'm walking outside, the ground starts lurching again, and fuck, i try to hold on to something... but I can't really find any stability, cos guess what?
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING SHAKES ALONG WITH THE GROUND
So out of nowhere there appears Shaun/Sean, the really sweet guy I was talking to yesterday before my OB midterm. [[We had smiled at each other in class, but never had talked, and yesterday before the midterm we had a little study session]] He was really nice, he made a good impression on me. So I guess that's why he was in my dream. Ok, so the third earthquake (I was already to my wits ends) was the most horrible and strong one. It was violent, a really japanesque 8.5, with the fast and violent intermittent shaking and the objects falling left and right. So the guy from class was there to hold my hand throughout the entire ordeal, quite sweet, I remember us being involved in some way in my dream.

So I wake up in a cold sweat, because i fucking hate earthquakes and thanks to my vivid dream imagination, I went through 3 of them in the span of one night...

-God, if this was your way of trying to cure my phobia, let me tell you it did work a little bit, but it was not worth the suffering of a whole night.
-and also, God, if you were trying to punish me for any thoughts/feelings i may have had lately, remember that you made me into the hormonal creature I am, and therefore it is not really ALL my fault. I do promise to be better if you will please refrain from torturing me in dreams, Thank you.

So that was my night...
the day started out good... had a doctor's appointment and I am over-all fine.
Now I'm at work and my boss isnt here. La la la

I've been feeling extremely uncomfortable at being exposed to people I would prefer not to be exposed to.
I don't know, I just think it's a really really silly and uncomfortable situation, but whatever, I'm not the person I was at that time, and I look at things in a complete different light.

Pizza time <3 Tonight will be amazing.

Aburrida en la chamba

2008-03-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

My Goals for the future
(without time limits, of course)

*Buy remaining Buddha Bar CDs
(VIII, IX, X, nature, 10 yrs, spirit of buddha bar)
*Go to Swan Lake (RSVP tomm.)

*Get the best tickets possible for RADIOHEAD in August

*Make my 'favorite buddha bar songs' list

*Learn obscure Eva Ayllon songs for sing-along purposes for friday

*Eat salads again this week, carbs feel to heavy

*Buy Murano glass jewelry

*Study for midterms

Too much

2008-03-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

It cost me too much.
damnit.
love is like a hurricane, it lifts you up but then its gone and youre left alone in a scene of desolation, and nothing is ever the same.
the loneliness just makes the disappointment more accute.
i know what im wishing for...
im wishing for something new, something i can hold on to, something completely foreign, so i can finally let go of everything that connects me to the past. so i can just say, screw everyone, and never look back. if i had something like that i wouldn't look back.
I want it, badly.
It feels like as long as there's an open door, everything that always hurt me will keep at it forever.
I want to fall in love again, and stay in love.
and this time ill be a lot pickier.

No time like the present to let go of the past

2008-02-26T20:41:00.001-08:00

Had a very weird day at work... craig was almost... nice. :O
I had a funny incident with the Golf cart... I was transporting a trustee scholarship applicant to admissions office like, across campus) and halfway there the cart kinda dies on us... it starts going really really slow... so slow than even people walking next to us were going faster. How embarassing!
Well, after resting it a bit and buying myself lunch on the way, I managed to get the cart back (like 3 hours later, lol) That's never happened to me before!
I really like Carly, she's really sweet and nice to me.

I tried going to the gym after work, but the lines were ridiculous... for the ellipticals and stuff, so I came here, did 200 situps and showered.
I got to class on time, and it let out one hour earlier.
Now I'm sitting here with my plato in sparknotes version, cos i already read once through phaedo and symposium. I sort of don't feel like studying though...
I feel lonely today.
Blah.
Me costo un monton, pero valio la pena mientras duro.

OMG... sooo funny!

2008-02-25T18:58:00.000-08:00

I found this on PerezHilton... it really is worth seeing!

not funnier than this though!

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*****
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I'm also fucking excited cause I finally bought my Eva Ayllon tickets!!!!
woop woop!
<3

Tomorrow I'll be good... I promise!

2008-02-23T22:54:00.001-08:00

So after a dress incident yesterday I have decided it's time to get my ass into a diet.
lol... I wanna go back to my 120 self, and I know it won't take too much to do it... so Tonight I am giving myself one last night of wild ravenous eating (Papa johns on the way) and I promise I will be good tomorrow. I'm gonna start gymming it and everything, hopefully I can report good results soon.

I have decided that solitude is quite a good friend.
It doesn't bother me as it once did... I mean, after being so intuned to someone else, (see exbf) being alone is a very big difference, but now after many months with myself and almost no one to exchange words with around here, I have decided that I enjoy being alone and that I have grown accustomed to it.
I no longer long for company like I once did, I mean, sure... I get sad because I am lonely most of the time, but I am capable of surviving it and not feeling depressed about it. I really like that, not depending on anyone anymore is great.
I do miss a lot of things, but with time I am expecting to feel all that again and maybe even better the second time around.
I also can't wait to move out of this place!! Natalia and Vassy are doing a lot to keep me sane but I really really dislike living here, Its worse than living alone.
I know better times are to come, I'm SO excited about living with Kate next semester... she's great, seems like a genuinely nice person who won't turn around and be a complete bitch the next moment... hehe.

Anyways... clubbing tonight was postponed, because of the rain, Vassy and karen's soreness, natalia's sickness, kate's prior engagements and my laziness.
Soon enough, when I'm in better shape for skanky clothing, we will resume our plans.

Au revoir... more lonely reading to do, and enjoy.

twitch

2008-02-22T23:31:00.000-08:00

this emotional unavailability is killing me.
should i finally use all my available resources to kill the little tiny teeny bit of hope and feeling ive got left?
who am i kidding, if it was that small then i wouldn't be saying anything in the first place.
I think I just pretend it is so I can feel better and bounce back from the many disappointments.

Snowball was very nice... unfortunately, it was full of freshmen and we didn't really know anyone, so we didn't feel the party much.
Kate made our night though... she's so cute, even when drunk out of her mind.

I wish my bed wouldn't smell like this anymore.
I have to wash my sheets with another detergent that doesn't bring up so many memories...

Ay ay ay... i wish things were as simple as they are when we're face to face.
When we take what we need without worrying about pretenses, or fronting, or pretending to be detached and aloof.
Those brief moments clear all the doubts in my mind. But things are all muddled now.
Blah.
blah blah blah double blah

I can't wait till its too late and it's not my fault anymore.
If i didnt have the option then things would be a lot easier.
but if i didnt have the option, would i be ok with myself?
whatever
i think its been enough cryptic pondering for a night.
blah.

Choledad privada!

2008-02-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

Haha... best quote of the day:

"El caché para ser un buen taxista es fingir que su espejo retrovisor no tiene una función para el chofer y que fue inventado solo para colgar los zapatos de su menor hijo, un CD de reggaeton o alguna estampita magullada que su madre le pueda haber regalado."
-choledad privada
Reminds me of mi tio Pacato.

And that, my friends, will help me make my point of today:
What the fuck am I doing here?
(here as in, this country)
I was having a heated discussion this weekend, con mi ex enamorado
about my plans for the future.
I said I wanted to try to work here for a while and then move back to Lima...
(hopefully on an american salary somehow)
And that I wanted my kids to grow up in Peru, like I did.
He argued that here is better and that I could potentially instill the same values on my kid here, and that I could raise them well and whatnot.
But I don't think so.
I want my kids to run around with the other chibolitos del barrio, and i want them to play estatuas and ampay.
and I want them to drink chicha morada and Kanu.
And I want them to grow up loving pollo a la brasa and nuggets del KFC
going to birthday parties at bembos, and getting their appetite spoiled with samples from Wong.
I want them to learn to apreciate comida criolla, unlike me, I started appreciating it when I left to come here.
I want them to learn coreographed dances, dance around with animadoras at parties, I want them to watch old and badly dubbed cartoons and watch Timoteo if he's still alive.
maybe my little girls could learn how to dance Marinera or Festejo...
and maybe my little boys can learn to play cajon.
So many things that I always took for granted back home... things that were the norm, that everybody did, references that everybody understood.
It hurts to be so far from home, no one understands that you've lived in a totally different world. Nobody knows your true depth.

For that matter, this isnt even only about the kids...
I wanna walk hand in hand por el puente de los suspiros (bridge of sighs)
and take a walk in larcomar and el parque del amor and all these amazing places that I'm sure are better enjoyed in pairs.
Hopefully life turns out alright.
I don't want to assimilate this non-culture with all its flaws and mistakes, and I don't want to perpetuate the cycle.

I'm seeing Eva Ayllon in concert March 7th... I'm sure it's gonna like, make me cry to hear her sing, and to hear the music of my childhood.
there really is no place like home.

Reset Button

2008-02-19T15:53:00.001-08:00

So because of the reset button, I was ill all day
Nauseous, stomach hurty, so I skipped work and stayed in bed.
I read Ella Enchanted in like 3 hours, and i was reminded of simpler times spent at the MHS library, losing myself in books, careless... I never worried about fitting in, or being cool, I've always been that way, for me, being me is enough, and so is doing things i enjoy doing at the risk of being called a nerd.
I have a paper due tomorrow... but I will start on it when I come back from dinner.
I'm taking my mom and my sister out to eat some Peruvian food, at a new place. Hopefully it measures up to what we like.
I decided I'm too tired for antagonism... I will ask my sister to keep her private life to herself and I will try to enjoy her company regardless of what has been going on. I will tell my mom to keep her opinions and her church gossip to herself and try to enjoy her company without loading myself with more of their problems.
The reset button is also making me a little emotional...
after the weekend, it is understandable to feel a little sad... and I even cried a bit about what was in store for me now that the weekend is over, but then I remember... Things aren't like that anymore, and I can go on with my happy life without a second thought.
We had our time, had our moments, now it's time to get back to business... back to the eternal search for a happiness i now know I must find in something new, something... different.
This book reminded me how much I still want my fairytale ending.
And when the phoenix burns, it rises up again from the ashes... as does the heart after losing love... it will open itself again (or what remains) and again until the time is right.
Hopelessness is not a familiar feeling anymore, neither is need and loss. not to that extent anyways.
The hopes of rekindling grew much smaller after cautious studying of the subject. Different isn't good or bad... but sometimes different is needed.

A year ago

2008-02-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

Things were so different.
I was different.
I'm starting to realize that sometimes different doesn't mean bad, or good... it's just different.
I was hoping this weekend would give me some sort of insight into things...
so, what did i learn?
absolutely nothing.
nothing that i was expecting anyways.
The weekend went a long way relaxation-wise...
But it left me plagued with thoughts... all of them unrelated.
I have plenty of time to figure it out.
I have to learn how to shut people off... i cannot allow any more stress to seep into my life through people... even if it is my family.
I wish I could be carefree and fun like a lot of people i know.
Laughing about anything and being light as a feather, even when stressed.
But I guess thats how life made me, the result of irresponsible parents and a straight head on my shoulders.
It's ok, sooner or later I'll be responsibility free :)

blah blah blah... nauseous...
i should probably rest a bit.
I have to stop forcing things. Come what may :)

sigh

2008-02-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite song in the whole wide world!
Any guy who takes me to any of his concerts (and enjoys it) will be the one I marry. LOL, I mean it!

sooo beautiful!

Vday

2008-02-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Taking a break from the bubbling of eval forms...
(or i will go insane)
busy busy day... also, Happy Valentine's day!
Kate gave me a box of chocolates during our lunch date, what a sweetie.
I might just have been proposed to by a some guy... but he's a theatre student so he might have just been rehearsing, lol.
Anyways... today after work I have to run around, go to the bank, meet my mom, do my homework, go to class 8 to 10 and get ready for tomorrow...
interesting weekend ahead of it... sad that i had to cancel clubbing, but i bet it will be more fun with more people around.
We'll do level3 next saturday...
I'm trying to think of places within public transportation reach for this weekend... cos if I stay indoors, well, staying indoors wouldn't be so bad either... lol
My right eye has been acting up lately :(
It's either because I've been reading waaaay too much, or because I haven't been sleeping enough. Either way, I must wear my glasses while indoors and try not to strain my vision so much... I could go as far as saying that bubbling these fucking evaluation forms for weeks at the time is messing my eye up. Blah.
USC School of theatre jobs...
Humiliation for minimum wage!
I cleaned my room spotless last night, which is great... it needed to be done.
I'm trying to stall so that I don't have to go back to evals... such a drag!
Good thing this isnt my career and just a workstudy job :)
Been obsessing over the cast of the new Twilight movie...
very disappointed by the choice for Rosalie, the rest I can live with... but I mean, if a character is supposed to be blonde, blue eyes and drop-dead gorgeous, why would you cast some short dark girl with brown hair and a weird nose?
Very very disappointed... she was supposed to be the hottest girl in the movie.
Oh well, I'm glad they at least kept the original characters decently similar to the novel.
Yeah yeah, I'm a nerd, but if you read the twilight series you would totally obssess too.
anyways, must go now... :)

The fog is clearing up

2008-02-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

So tonight, as I was walking back from class, I realized I was smiling.
And just like that, the feelings of helplessness and dispair cleared up... I'm still craving chocolate, but thats another story.
With the knowledge of my temporary ailment, I can put the past week and a half into perspective...
all those feelings were clouding my head. And now I can finally see straight.
Let's hope the happiness doesn't fade away anytime soon :)

Reincarnation

2008-02-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

So I moved all my cryptically emotional posts from xanga to blogspot, hoping to leave a great chunk of my life behind.
Sophomore year of college was bitersweet.
I experienced probably the toughest experiences of my life (heartbreak and everything in between) and some of the best as well.
Even though things have settled down from the excitement of a new semester, things keep happening... changing my views and my feelings and my anxiety levels.
at the beginning of this semester i started out with boy problems, family problems, housing problems, health problems... and at one point, they all solved themselves... I thought I finally could be 'happy' and breathe and relax, but i was wrong...
every single one of these aspects has found a way to wreck itself, and all convoluted together have formed a dense mass of pressure... coming at me from all sides.
I've been through worse, like last semester... a few of the lowest lows in my life.
im just trying to get by everyday,
and maybe having somewhere to vent will make that easier.